Guest Post

As a part of my ongoing quest to broaden my intellectual horizons, I have invited my good friend and noted herpetologist, Jolyn Djibouti Metro, to share a few thoughts this week:

Growing up, the only living creatures that were allowed to live inside of our house (with our knowledge...) besides homo sapiens were reptiles and amphibians. We went through numerous frogs, lizards, and snakes. We learned a lot about metamorphosis by watching the 2-legged "frogs" change into fully developed ones; we learned about adaptation by watching the lizard grow it's severed tail back; and we learned a lot about the life cycle by watching our 6' long gardener snake devour one small white mouse weekly. This provided much hands-on education for us Metro kids, which was probably needed due to the fact that we were homeschooled for a considerable portion of our elementary school years.

I can really only remember two of the lizards that we had, Minnie and Mickey. Minnie died within three days of us purchasing her, just by dying, in her cage, all alone. Her funeral consisted solely of us throwing her in the dumpster outside. That's when we got Mickey. He lasted a much longer time, but his end was much more tragic than Minnie's.

In the particular house that we were living in at the time (8613 Dixie Canyon Court, Antelope, CA 95843 Phone Number (916) 729-1284--just providing proof of my unfailing memory) we had a study which was positioned adjacent to the living room. We used it as our office, and it housed a majority of our books. It was also where we kept our pets. We walked in one day to find my little brother Ben and his friend, Drew Farley, grasping our little Mickey by the tail and hurling him over and over and over across the room against the painfully white double doors that led to the study. Needless to say, he died. Ben, that is. Dad wasn't too pleased with his actions, so Ben got the ax. No, I'm just kidding, Mickey died. And despite the fact that he died in a much more dramatic and heroic way than Minnie, he got the same exact funeral treatment.

Which brings me to the point of this post. Funeral celebrations should be based on the way you die. There is a hierarchy of death that this world is not living up to. Death by old age while at home with all your family surrounding you? That really deserves no celebration at all. Death by flying squirrel? You should at least get a box to sleep in. Death by being caught in the middle of a street shooting? Eulogy provided by 50 Cent.

We need to stop celebrating and encouraging mediocrity, that includes mediocre deaths. Mediocrity is the #1 problem facing the world today, and we're perpetuating it in ways that we don't even realize. Most people recognize the mediocrity that they're pushing in little kids gymnastics class. The kid who can't even do a somersault gets the exact same ribbon as the kid who can do a Mariel 540. This says to the kid, "you don't have to even try to excel, you get the same prize as everyone else." So why aren't people realizing the same thing is said with funerals? If we provide the same type of funerals to everyone, no matter what type of death, we're basically saying, "Yeah, go ahead and don't even try to be a hero and die well. You get the same treatment as all these other people."

So, let's take a stand against the unjust and equal funeral system and start providing people who have died from choking on pretzels with the funeral they deserve: throwing them in the dumpster.
~


Jolyn Djibouti Metro

Positive Experience

When Pepetonio was about 8 years old, I showed him how to tie a necktie (single Windsdor, like the real men). He asked me to show him again, and I did so slowly, with him following along. Pepe has been tying his own tie ever since, with no further instruction or demonstration. I commended him on his rapid mastery of the discipline this morning, and he sat back in my chair, reflecting. He said, "There have been a couple of times when I messed up and it turned out pretty weird, but overall I've had a positive experience with it."

Pepe is unique in his combination of both acting his age (10) and closing the gap (athletically, intellectually, etc.) between he and his much-older siblings. This is a boy who laughs at the "all-American" Budweiser commercials during the olympics because he knows Anheuser-Busch was recently acquired by a Belgian-Brazilian conglomerate. This is also a boy who regularly asks which of his stuffed animals we think he should sleep with tonight. This is a boy who can identify, either by sight or by sound, more birds than anyone I've ever met. This is a boy who told me that at his football game yesterday, he put the first kid he blocked on his back, but that after that, "he knew I was coming."

Hanging out with Pepe has been one of my favorite parts about living at home this summer, and I'll honestly miss him when I go back to Provo in the fall.

Don't Hassle Me, I'm Local

I normally don't read local newspapers, because nothing really happens in Utah. After reading this article in the Deseret Morning News recently, I have decided to change that policy. Pardon the unprofessional article presentation.

Please note the cause of the scuffle.

Nomenclature

One of my siblings (I'm not telling which) is going to have a baby in December. The gender of said baby has not yet been determined. There have been many suggestions as to the name of this child, which I will put forth here, under their respective subject headings.

Christmas Names
Wenceslas
Tinsel
Scamper (after the penguin)
Ebenezer
George Bailey
Tiny Tim
Kris

Names from my Work
Doug
Don
Bruce
Garth
Kathy
Vivian (Viv)
Enrique
Mary Lou
Ursula

Names from History
Sacajawea
Boo (as in Boo Radley)
Hercules
Ramses
Oprah
Mohammed
Bronco
Florence
Knute
Draco

These are just a few of the ones we've been considering. Additional suggestions, however, are most welcome.

Loridan

Yesterday morning, I realized that my house is not on the way to anything. Unless you are headed to one of the houses on our street, you'd better turn around, because this street won't help you get there. I like this. It means that my home will always be a destination, not just part of the journey, and the attraction will always be the people who live here because there are no other major attractions up this way! Because my home rests upon roads less traveled, I cannot come here on a mere detour on the way to something bigger and better. Coming home means, at a minimum, a purposeful pause in my journey. I may have other places to go, eventually, but for now I've come home.

Really Deep

The following is a comment somebody left after the video for Chris Brown's With You. I've been really impressed by the emotional maturity she expresses, especially given Mr. Brown's fancy footwork in the video.


i love this song. but at the same time it makes me sorta wanna cry. i danced at a school dance with my crush to this song and then he said he liked me. then he decided he didnt and ive liked him ever since. so its amazing song and its really deep. i love it

Wedding Planner

I've been to a lot of weddings and receptions recently. Most of my friends are married or will be married soon. Some of my younger siblings are married. While I can't say I am good at getting married, I do feel like I'm getting really good at going to wedding receptions. I can be part of the wedding group (denoted by an "outfit") or I can be just an average spectator, either way. I bring a lot of versatility to the table. Given my vast experience base, I feel quite qualified to give a few pointers to anyone who is planning a reception in the near future.

1. Colors
Let's start with the basics here. A common mistake on the color front is to choose overused hues like blue, pink, red, etc. So 20th century. If you're really looking for a special day, go with something original, like tan and dark gray. Definite hit.

2. Music
This was basically all I wanted to talk about in the first place. I was thinking today about the song Lady in Red, by Chris De Burgh, and how it is without question one of the worst songs of all time. Then I thought, wouldn't it be awesome if somebody used that at their wedding reception? Like, in Panguitch? That would be perfect! Big bangs, tan and dark gray outfits, and Lady in Red on the wedding video. "We met at a church dance in the eighth grade, and this has been our song ever since." True, by Spandau Ballet, and Never Gonna Give You Up, by Rick Astley, could complete the playlist.

3. Ball Caps

The feel of a wedding, the look of NBA draft day. What could be better? Looking back on Laura's wedding, this is probably the moment that The Boy and I are most proud of.

4. Wild Kids
Really, a reception's not a reception without a small band of kids running amuck. I have it on good authority that at a recent reception, one of my young cousins was seen filling his pockets with the chocolate fountain. This is by far the best way to give the happy couple a preview of the joys of parenting that await them.

That should probably do it for now. I also have great insights regarding the menu, wedding group roster, venue, invitations, etc., but those all figure into my billable hours, so I won't share them here.

For Whom the Bell Tolls

Alert reader and cultural advocate Jolyn Metro sent me this outstanding article this morning. I was deeply moved as I read it, and it made me reflect on my life-pace and whether I am running the race right. I highly recommend it.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/04/04/AR2007040401721.html

The author has received a Pulitzer Prize for this work, as I understand it.

Basic What?

Yesterday's dinner disappointment has made me consider more deeply the packaging associated with food products. I was discussing this subject with Laura, one of the sisters that I have, and she pointed out Basic 4 cereal, a General Mills offering. As many of you are no doubt aware, there has been quite a bit of controversy surrounding this "wholesome" cereal choice. The point of debate has been the Basic 4 components. Nowhere on the box is it clearly stated what the Basic 4 are. The consumer is left to her own logic, supermarket rumors, and internet chat rooms to discover the true make-up. Let's analyze a few of the contemporary views.

One suggestion is that the Basic 4 are in fact the original four food groups (grains, fruits/vegetables, meats, dairy). This seems fairly logical, until one considers the low meat content in Basic 4. Others have declared that the Basic 4 are the four words bolded in green on the front of the box. Grains, nuts, and fruits all pass muster, but "delicious" is a no-go. Tell me how you plan to include "delicious" (independent of all other ingredients) in a cereal box. "Loaded with nine essential vitamins, minerals and adjectives." Please. Delicious isn't even FDA approved. Another hypothesis is that Basic 4 refers to the first four ingredients, namely whole grain wheat (wholesome), corn meal, sugar, and brown sugar. I guess those are all pretty basic, but I don't know why they'd want to call attention to the fact that two of the four are sugars (less wholesome).

In short, we basically (pun intended) have a handful of theories that are tenuous at best, outrageous lies at worst. I turn the matter over to the community at large: Do any of you know what the Basic 4 are? Even better, can any of you produce documentation from General Mills certifying the identity of said 4?

All Artificial Ingredients!

Well, this box contained tonight's "dinner". Obviously my expectations were low, about as low as the nutritional content of Michelina's Lean Gourmet fare. I was struck by the little badge placed right on top of the heap of noodles and what-not. "Chef Inspired Recipe". What an intriguing phrase in itself, let alone to be placed on a badge. What can that mean? Was the maker of this meal (Michelina herself?) thinking of a favorite chef as she assembled this culinary mediocrity? Are we to imply that "Chef Inspired" means that an actual food professional was considered, but not necessarily consulted in the design of this dish? "Why yes, I was specifically thinking of Chef Gusteau when I decided that MSG would be the perfect complement to the trans fat in the sauce."

Upon close scrutiny, the tiny round green circle near the bottom of the plate bears an even more cryptic phrase. "Inspected for wholesomeness by the U.S. Department of Agriculture." What does THAT mean? It doesn't even say what the results of the inspection were! I assume it passed, but then again my experience in actually ingesting the Lean Gourmet "Chicken" Alfredo Florentine doesn't particularly shore up that assumption. I'm no dietician (refer to the Allison Knab), but I don't recall the term "wholesomeness" being used in any sort of specific nutritional way. It's a great way to make something sound healthy without getting into any supporting details. I'm disappointed and truly surprised that a governmental agency would produce a vague, uninformative certification. It's so unlike them.