Mission Accomplished

Summer Goal = met (Summer Goals click here. I promise I was not holding anything heavy or wearing big coats or anything. I have witnesses to prove it.

Recession Razor

This is as far as I got. Because of the Recession, everyone has had to cut back and I'm no exception. Sacrifices had to be made. I apologize for the poor photo quality. Again, the Recession.

El Bigote: Part II

Recently I have begun to wear a mustache (no, that isn't me pictured above though). As anticipated, public outcry has grown steadily. Given the number of misconceptions circulating in today's society about the mustache, I've brought in an expert, Mr. Kellen Gunderson, to address the subject. His thoughts follow:

We live in a perilous time. Our once grandiose republic is situated above a precipice: we are threatened from outside extremists and internal dissension. Stop and contemplate the list of problems our country is trying to deal with: rising oceans and deficits, swine flu, a generalized loss of propriety, and our very worst enemy- twitter. Amidst this turmoil and struggle to retain sanity, our society has been blessed with a special group of citizens- real heroes, modern lionhearts. These men labor in the background, shunning the spotlight, never taking credit for being the glue that holds us together as free people.

Despite being relatively anonymous, these men carry a singular trait that sets them apart. They have hair. Not hair on their head, or their chest, or even their back. No, these men have hair the only place that matters... right above their upper lip. Ah, the mustache, the lodestar of our lives. Look deep into your heart and think about the last time you saw a mustache. I mean a really good mustache, the kind of mustache who's very presence in the universe can make you believe in goodness, masculinity and raw awesomeness! Yes! You remember the feeling, likely you stopped in your tracks as you caught a glimpse of the auburn brown lip mane moving gracefully across the town square. Its effect was formidable. You stuttered on your cell phone, unable to speak- finally able to mention a single syllable: Wow.

I could list the numerous savants of style who rock the stache: Einstein and Selleck, Lando Calrissian and Hulk Hogan, Geraldo Rivera and Rollie Fingers, and at some point every one of the Beatles. Yet we forget that it wasn't the mustaches that developed the general theory of relativity, taught us to "Imagine", bodyslammed Andre the Giant or opened Al Capone's glovebox. It was the men, but men with so much bravado, genius, and beauty that it could not all be contained on a cleanly shaven face. Next time you see a mustached man you will hopefully notice how they stand a little taller. These men must stand taller, because they stand apart as the last bastions of freedom in very perilous world.

Bio of the Author:

Adventurer, troubadour, socialite. This new age beatnik began writing during the Falkland Islands war, where he fought for both sides. As a modern, funk-pop renaissance man, Mr. Kellen Gunderson spends his time composing sublime prose and contemplating universal mysteries. He currently resides with his wife and bicycle in the Eastern Lands. Mr. Gunderson may be reached by carrier pigeon.

Advice From Pepe

On investing:

As Pepe ate his cereal this morning, I explained the principle of diversification when investing. He has taken an interest in the stock market (I think) and regularly teases me about my stocks' poor performance. I showed him charts on Google Finance to illustrate my points. Parenthetically, I am definitely using Google Finance with my kids. They will learn to invest before they hit kindergarten. Anyway, Pepe grasped the diversification concept quickly. I threw him some hypothetical situations to make sure he understood, and he hit them over the fence. So I summarized by saying, "Log, so when you start investing, make sure you diversify."

He grinned big and said, "No, I'll just put all my money under my pillowcase and wait for the Tooth Fairy to double it."

That's a tip folks. Write that down. In your copybooks.

Happy Shark Week Everyone!

One Thing

...I appreciate about my family, both immediate and extended, is their ability to be patient and compassionate regardless of the circumstances. The Tueller family, Grandview edition, for example. On Friday night, a simple invitation had been extended to me. "Jae, would you care to join us for some Thai at the Silver Spoon on Saturday?" I accepted the invitation. From the Tuellers' perspective, here's how that dinner engagement unfolded.

At around 5:40 or so, the Tuellers arrive at the Silver Spoon - located in an upper-middle class, family-oriented district in San Francisco - and are seated. Cousin Jae, despite living a mere two blocks from the restaurant, is nowhere to be seen. Orders are placed, friendly conversation with the Thai waitresses ensues, still no sign of Jae. Orders arrive - sticky rice, pa-nang chicken, etc., still no sign of Jae. Suddenly, through the restaurant window, a tall, bare-chested, sunburnt man is seen exiting a dark sedan across the street. He glances up and down the street, clothed only in flip flops and board shorts in the San Francisco fog. After a few moments' deliberation, he pulls a t-shirt and hoody on and scampers across the street towards the restaurant. Enter Cousin Jae.

Thank you, Tueller Family for a great dinner and a great, compassionate weekend!

Dietary Constrictions

Over the years, many of you have expressed admiration at my nutritional background. Several have patterned your dietary strategies around my own efforts. I feel a high degree of responsibility for this, and have therefore decided to offer everyone a little food tip. Last night I had an order of Gordon Biersch's famous garlic fries at the Giants game. They were delicious as usual. Afterward, I went with the Dave Tueller family to the world famous Bob's Doughnuts. The cake doughnuts were coming off fresh and I just couldn't help myself. I had a cake crumb, followed by a cake with maple icing, followed by another cake crumb. I left Bob's a satisfied man, but just a few short hours later, I reaped the whirlwind. I could hardly sleep last night due to acute stomach pains, which continued after I woke up this morning. Thinking to ease the discomfort with some mild apple sauce, I grabbed the jar and dug in. I quickly realized that my refusal to adhere to the "Refrigerate After Opening" warning had resulted in general ferementation of said sauce. Straight to the trash.

In summary, I had garlic fries, three Bob's Doughnuts, and alcoholic applesauce all in a row. If you ever find yourself feeling a little too healthy or happy, let me wholeheartedly recommend this combination. I felt like I'd been stabbed in the stomach.