Moving Day

So, I've decided to pack up and move this whole operation over to jaeclarke.wordpress.com. There is no real reason for doing this.

Battle Royale

 


Tonight we had a bit of a debate round here. Who would win between Gandalf (the White) and Albus Dumbledore? Please leave comments indicating your choice, and please support your choice with cogent arguments. For example, if you put something like "Dumbledore, because hes awesome!" you will have aspersions heaped upon you.

On Aging

Soon I will be 25 years old, or middle-aged, in other words. When I was young, I thought I'd live forever. Now I am starting to become aware of some of the telltale signs of aging. For example, my affinity for '80s bands I used to despise is growing. I just bought music from both The Police and Depeche Mode. What next? Blondie? Another indication that I am growing old is my increasing cantankerousness (cantankerosity?). I get riled up sometimes about Kids These Days. I feel like the '90s just don't get enough respect. I spend a lot of time thinking about my retirement fund. My main social activity each week consists of playing Rummikub with my roommates. (Parenthetically, our apartment has essentially become an Old Folks' Home, other than the long flight of stairs to get up to it, the lack of three square meals a day, and the absence of surly semi-medical attendants. Dementia, clothing that is both unflattering and unfashionable, and time spent watching the History Channel are all there in abundance.) Jello is becoming more and more appealing as a primary food source. I feel compelled to argue with political commentators on TV. Last night, I believe everyone in our apartment was tucked in bed as of 11:15 PM. So raise a glass and shed a tear for the bygone days of youth. Old age in Provo is upon us.

Nobel Peace Prize Candidates

Many of you probably heard that our President, Barack Obama, won the Nobel Peace Prize this week. While I believe President Obama is a good man and a well-intentioned man, and I do not disagree with all of his policies/ideologies, it has nevertheless been a struggle for me to understand why he would merit such an award. In the process of thinking about what kind of qualifications someone actually needs to win the Nobel Peace Prize, it occurred to me that a few other very worthy candidates were perhaps overlooked. I will list them for you.

*Beyonce's Music Video. As previously noted by Kanye West AND N. J. Henry, this is one of the best music videos OF ALL TIME! I have read a number of reports that indicate that this video alone is the only thing keeping the states of Louisiana and Mississippi from declaring war on each other.

*The Snuggie. Now available in leopard and zebra print. What is more peaceful than a blanket with sleeves?

*twitter. It has been clinically proven that people who tweet regularly are less likely to respond to everyday situations with physical aggression.

*The late Michael Jackson. Though his morals and character were clearly suspect, this man brought the world together upon his passing. People across the globe laid down their weapons, embraced, and shed tears as the news media gushed about Mr. Jackson's entertainment prowess.

*Dr. Z, Dr. Kevorkian, and Dr. Phil. This triumvirate of physicians have worn out their lives proclaiming peace in their own ways. A more deserving division of doctors never has existed.

Anyone I'm omitting? Please leave a comment to let me know.

Change! Hope!

So I blatantly stole this from my cousin Landon's facebook. It's a message I believe we can all unitedly stand behind.

Parenting

I have some thoughts about parenting. Specifically, being a father. Here's my idea for today: After-school snacks. As everyone knows, the classic after-school snack is milk and cookies. I would never turn down milk and cookies, regardless of the situation (after-school or not). However, I think my kids will love me when I greet them after school with neither milk nor cookies, but a tray of hot, crispy bacon. Think about it! It's got everything you need in an after-school snack: meat, saturated fats, and hearty aromas! In fact, if any of my roommates actually read this, please have a tray of bacon waiting for me when I get home today. Thank you.

Color Guard

Last night, I offered my freshman sister a significant portion of money if she'd try out for and make the BYU Color Guard (the ones that prance around with flags next to the marching band). She flatly refused, even when I increased the offer. The offer remains open, however, to any of my friends who have not previously been a part of the Color Guard. Please contact me and we'll discuss the terms of the arrangement. If you have any questions, please refer them to Jo Firefox Metro, who enjoyed a distinctive career with the BYU Color Guard.

Pestilence

We ran into a bit of trouble Friday night. It was around 5:30 in the afternoon. Suddenly, and without warning, flies began converging around our kitchen area (the common housefly variety). They were merely irritating initially, but as their numbers swelled they became intolerable. After a few unsuccessful hand swats, I borrowed a flyswatter from a neighbor and started doing work on them. As the death toll mounted, I became alarmed as their numbers didn't seem to be diminishing. 10, 15, 20, the fly corpses piled up in the kitchen sink, and still no relief. With wonder and amazement, Dr. Z and I continued swinging. 30, 35. . . The swarm abated as darkness fell and the sink pile grew. We finished the night at around 50. A few stragglers remain and we have been unable to determine the source. We keep the place fairly clean; whence this plague of flies? Is it revenge for my work in Virginia? Perhaps we'll never know.

Glenhaven Apartments: All the Adventure a Man Can Handle

A Very Specialized Skill Set

I always yearned for notoriety, complete with full coverage by BYU's Daily Universe. I never quite knew in what form that notoriety would come. I wonder no more.

See this story.

Also, this one. Be sure to check out her blog. I'm #10.

Jae Clarke. Serial blind dater.

Let's Give It Up For The Coyote

Also, this is hysterical.

Overheard

Boy (dressed in white shirt and tie) to girl walking to devotional today:

"Yeah, I worked really hard at improving my accent. I'd read out loud, I'd do all kinds of stuff. I mean, it got to the point where people would ask, 'Are you from Brazil?'"

Clearly, she was impressed.

Boy to girl behind me in business law today:

"I'm the kind of guy that likes to push myself and try to be as good as I can. Where would you say you fall on that continuum?" I couldn't quite make out her answer, but apparently it wasn't motivated enough, so he launched into an attempt at convincing her to "go for it" more.

Clearly, she was impressed.

Sometimes, I hear girls complaining about guys who are arrogant. I never fault them.

Mischa Maisky

I'm relaxing on a Sunday morning. Mischa Maisky is playing Bach's Cello Suite No. 1 for me. The house is quiet, my room is clean. I slept deeply and well last night, but I didn't oversleep. Though there are exams on Monday and much studying yet to be done, that must all wait until the day is over. Today I will rest, I will worship, and I will serve. I will ponder strategies for personal betterment. I have been waiting for the Sabbath Day with anticipation, and now it is here.

Fantastic Shot

I'm not a Roger Federer fan, especially not since he started wearing black for night matches to "look intimidating". Please, Rog. You're built like a teachers quorum president. In any case, this is one of the most incredible shots I've ever seen. Enjoy.

Missionary Story

Ok, so this is a cool profile of a sister serving in NYC. I just think it's a beautiful profile and a very respectful way of reporting on missionary work.

NY Times Profile

Glenhaven Taglines

Some of you may not have visited me yet at my new residence. I live in one of the dowdiest apartment complexes in Provo. Come to think of it, I can't recall ever seeing one dowdier. I live in the undisputed dowdiest apartment complex in Provo! Anyway, one benefit of living in this place is the constant opportunity to think of ways to improve it. As I walked home yesterday, I noticed there is empty space on the name plate on the front of the building. My guess is that it used to say "New and Improved!!" or "Freshly Remodeled!!", but then they were sanctioned by Off-Campus Housing for posting fabrications and they just whited out the sign.

So I got to thinking: Wouldn't that be a great place for an apartment complex tagline? Something like "Glenhaven Apartments: All the Adventure a Man Can Handle!" or "Glenhaven Apartments: Mayhem Never Takes a Holiday, And Neither Do We!". I'll admit I stole the second one from an awful show i saw on TV last night. What are some other ideas? Maybe "Glenhaven Apartments: Go Unnoticed Socially for an Entire School Year!" I don't know. What are your thoughts? Stop by and visit some time if you're having trouble visualizing this place.

Hey, Money! Update

So I'm reading a paper today that was written by the professor of the Money and Economics class I'm in. He denounces the use of currency for money (and gives me yet another reason to continue using cash whenever possible for major purchases). Here's a delightful snippet:

"The effective result is that in today's world, large currency mediated transactions are prima-fascia illicit!"

I think "prima-fascia illicit" will be my new preferred way of describing myself.

Hey, Money!

Today, on a whim, I paid tuition. In cash. It's childish, I know, but seriously, I can't stop chuckling to myself about the thought of it. "How will you be paying?" an older gentleman asked me as I walked in. "Cash," I replied flatly. "Wow," he responded, raising his eyebrows slightly. He seemed impressed. I normally struggle to keep a straight face when I'm horsing around, but I must say I did a pretty good job at biting my lip as the cashier kid counted out the stack of benjamins (47 in total) and then tried to find change for a twenty. I think I'll be doing cash transactions from now on wherever possible. Cash: It's the new black.

Mission Accomplished

Summer Goal = met (Summer Goals click here. I promise I was not holding anything heavy or wearing big coats or anything. I have witnesses to prove it.

Recession Razor

This is as far as I got. Because of the Recession, everyone has had to cut back and I'm no exception. Sacrifices had to be made. I apologize for the poor photo quality. Again, the Recession.

El Bigote: Part II

Recently I have begun to wear a mustache (no, that isn't me pictured above though). As anticipated, public outcry has grown steadily. Given the number of misconceptions circulating in today's society about the mustache, I've brought in an expert, Mr. Kellen Gunderson, to address the subject. His thoughts follow:

We live in a perilous time. Our once grandiose republic is situated above a precipice: we are threatened from outside extremists and internal dissension. Stop and contemplate the list of problems our country is trying to deal with: rising oceans and deficits, swine flu, a generalized loss of propriety, and our very worst enemy- twitter. Amidst this turmoil and struggle to retain sanity, our society has been blessed with a special group of citizens- real heroes, modern lionhearts. These men labor in the background, shunning the spotlight, never taking credit for being the glue that holds us together as free people.

Despite being relatively anonymous, these men carry a singular trait that sets them apart. They have hair. Not hair on their head, or their chest, or even their back. No, these men have hair the only place that matters... right above their upper lip. Ah, the mustache, the lodestar of our lives. Look deep into your heart and think about the last time you saw a mustache. I mean a really good mustache, the kind of mustache who's very presence in the universe can make you believe in goodness, masculinity and raw awesomeness! Yes! You remember the feeling, likely you stopped in your tracks as you caught a glimpse of the auburn brown lip mane moving gracefully across the town square. Its effect was formidable. You stuttered on your cell phone, unable to speak- finally able to mention a single syllable: Wow.

I could list the numerous savants of style who rock the stache: Einstein and Selleck, Lando Calrissian and Hulk Hogan, Geraldo Rivera and Rollie Fingers, and at some point every one of the Beatles. Yet we forget that it wasn't the mustaches that developed the general theory of relativity, taught us to "Imagine", bodyslammed Andre the Giant or opened Al Capone's glovebox. It was the men, but men with so much bravado, genius, and beauty that it could not all be contained on a cleanly shaven face. Next time you see a mustached man you will hopefully notice how they stand a little taller. These men must stand taller, because they stand apart as the last bastions of freedom in very perilous world.

Bio of the Author:

Adventurer, troubadour, socialite. This new age beatnik began writing during the Falkland Islands war, where he fought for both sides. As a modern, funk-pop renaissance man, Mr. Kellen Gunderson spends his time composing sublime prose and contemplating universal mysteries. He currently resides with his wife and bicycle in the Eastern Lands. Mr. Gunderson may be reached by carrier pigeon.

Advice From Pepe

On investing:

As Pepe ate his cereal this morning, I explained the principle of diversification when investing. He has taken an interest in the stock market (I think) and regularly teases me about my stocks' poor performance. I showed him charts on Google Finance to illustrate my points. Parenthetically, I am definitely using Google Finance with my kids. They will learn to invest before they hit kindergarten. Anyway, Pepe grasped the diversification concept quickly. I threw him some hypothetical situations to make sure he understood, and he hit them over the fence. So I summarized by saying, "Log, so when you start investing, make sure you diversify."

He grinned big and said, "No, I'll just put all my money under my pillowcase and wait for the Tooth Fairy to double it."

That's a tip folks. Write that down. In your copybooks.

Happy Shark Week Everyone!

One Thing

...I appreciate about my family, both immediate and extended, is their ability to be patient and compassionate regardless of the circumstances. The Tueller family, Grandview edition, for example. On Friday night, a simple invitation had been extended to me. "Jae, would you care to join us for some Thai at the Silver Spoon on Saturday?" I accepted the invitation. From the Tuellers' perspective, here's how that dinner engagement unfolded.

At around 5:40 or so, the Tuellers arrive at the Silver Spoon - located in an upper-middle class, family-oriented district in San Francisco - and are seated. Cousin Jae, despite living a mere two blocks from the restaurant, is nowhere to be seen. Orders are placed, friendly conversation with the Thai waitresses ensues, still no sign of Jae. Orders arrive - sticky rice, pa-nang chicken, etc., still no sign of Jae. Suddenly, through the restaurant window, a tall, bare-chested, sunburnt man is seen exiting a dark sedan across the street. He glances up and down the street, clothed only in flip flops and board shorts in the San Francisco fog. After a few moments' deliberation, he pulls a t-shirt and hoody on and scampers across the street towards the restaurant. Enter Cousin Jae.

Thank you, Tueller Family for a great dinner and a great, compassionate weekend!

Dietary Constrictions

Over the years, many of you have expressed admiration at my nutritional background. Several have patterned your dietary strategies around my own efforts. I feel a high degree of responsibility for this, and have therefore decided to offer everyone a little food tip. Last night I had an order of Gordon Biersch's famous garlic fries at the Giants game. They were delicious as usual. Afterward, I went with the Dave Tueller family to the world famous Bob's Doughnuts. The cake doughnuts were coming off fresh and I just couldn't help myself. I had a cake crumb, followed by a cake with maple icing, followed by another cake crumb. I left Bob's a satisfied man, but just a few short hours later, I reaped the whirlwind. I could hardly sleep last night due to acute stomach pains, which continued after I woke up this morning. Thinking to ease the discomfort with some mild apple sauce, I grabbed the jar and dug in. I quickly realized that my refusal to adhere to the "Refrigerate After Opening" warning had resulted in general ferementation of said sauce. Straight to the trash.

In summary, I had garlic fries, three Bob's Doughnuts, and alcoholic applesauce all in a row. If you ever find yourself feeling a little too healthy or happy, let me wholeheartedly recommend this combination. I felt like I'd been stabbed in the stomach.

Stress Test

Sorry to swipe your headline, Meaceh.


I haven't been home for a while, so I can't verify the count quantifiably, but I can for sure sense the anxiety in her voice.

Wedding Pictures

Due to a recent chain of events involving lies, retirement strategies, and two episodes of Planet Earth, I found myself examining photos from the now-infamous Hanks-Krueger wedding which occurred earlier this summer. This innocent perusal yielded some interesting findings, which had lain undiscovered until I used a state-of-the-art "zoom, enhance" technique. I will share said findings with you now.

Exhibit A:

I don't remember who took this particular photo, but he/she should be commended for capturing perfectly the essence of each roommate. Cameron and I in utter oblivion, Katie overcome with emotion, Justin gazing into the future, and Uncle Matt looking at a bug. I cannot think of another depiction that would render each of us more accurately.

Exhibit B:

Most of the participants in this photo are demonstrating the focus and demeanor appropriate for this type of occasion. Let me make, however, a couple of penetrating observations. First, Trix is clearly horsing. Entirely out of line for such a momentous achievement. Second, Uncle Matt has now begun gazing into the future, and judging by his expression, apparently doughnuts are part of that future. Thirdly, lest any of you question the propriety of my own facial arrangement, let me broaden your understanding of the context. This photo captured my face in a moment of sheer concentration - I was using The Force to delay the onset of the thunderstorm long enough for the temple photo shoot to conclude.

Exhibit C:

I wanted to join in the spirit of "Happiest day of my life", but as I find myself largely unmarried, I decided to include this image of a recent trip with Pa and Pepe. "I can't believe I'm actually at the Green!!"

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

When you're away from friends, family for an extended period of time, one of the biggest worries is that when you see them again, everything will have changed so much as to make you irrelevant. I was on a long drive the other day, so I contacted a few friends to see how they were.

Jay was watching Saved by the Bell with Jo and the Berg.

Trix texted me excitedly to announce that she'd just purchased the final season of Saved by the Bell.

Cameron asked if he could call me back because he was bleeding in the emergency room and the doctor was just coming back into the room.

Megan didn't answer her phone.


It's nice to know that some things in life just aren't ever going to change.

Just the Basics

*Disclaimer*
I can't think of who this would be funny to besides me and The Boy. Maybe Josh Hawkins, ByuDan, and Log. That's it. The picture is fairly funny, but for a real laugh, consider this question: Try to think of one person on earth with a worse attitude than Zach Randolph.


I challenge anyone to top me on this. And if Randolph poisoning the Knicks and the Clippers wasn't bad enough (and as if those sorry franchises needed the help anyway), he's just now been traded to Memphis. Great news for the Clips. I haven't checked the numbers yet, but I'd be willing to put money down that every team Randolph has ever played for improved dramatically the moment he left. Whenever I'm down, whenever I can find little in life to smile about, I can always think of Zach Randolph and chuckle.

Leveraged to the Hilt

That's a new favorite phrase of mine, picked up from roommate and Frat House don B Haag. By the way, I took the time to count how many roommates I have yesterday. As of yesterday (and I guess today, I haven't seen anyone move in or out), there's eleven of us here. They call that population density.

I like a lot of the stuff that's happened here in SF. Not surprising. I like a lot of stuff. Here are some highlights, in no order whatsoever.

Today we had an intern get together. The beer was average, so I heard, so I didn't partake. The kebobs, on the other hand, were strong. At the end of the event, they told those of us lingering around to take home food. The interns were kind of hesitant, sizing people up before really going for it. Fellow intern Jordon and I looked at each other and went straight for the kebobs. I noticed a couple of the staff members eyeing us a little, so I asked if it was cool to take food home (I had a full, untouched tray/bin of kebobs in my arms at this point). They told me to lay my ears back, so I grabbed a tray of rice and a big bowl of salad to go with the kebobs.


So I rode the Muni home with that big pile of food (that would be the "No food allowed" Muni). Big hit with the roomies.


San Francisco leans liberal, as a general rule, but I think this little hipster unit was pushing it a little. $18 someplace around Union Square.

Speaking of clothing, whoever you are who grabbed my Patagonia soft shell after the kickball championships, please return it immediately. Just drop it over at 496 N. 750 E. in Provo, care of Matthew Ray Paskett.

Also, I'm addicted to baseball games. We went over to Oakland to see Timmy demolish the A's lightweight lineup. Loved every minute of it. Timmy's on my summer top five.

Mr. J, Mr. J

I've had two guys call me Mr. J since I got out here. This is why.

SF Districts

Roommate Clay sent me this cool map of the SF districts. We live in Forest Hill, turns out.

Why you'd want to live here...

This week I was in LA for some tax intern training with PwC interns from around the country/world. I was the only Utahn there (surprise surprise) and one of a handful of BYU Mormons. I really had a great time with the training and met some great people. My camera spent the trip in my bag, but I managed to snag some shaky pictures with my phone.

On Thursday they took us to a Dodgers game. I got a Dodgers ballcap and a Dodger Dog, but I rooted for the A's. I'd give the ballcap an A- (just slightly too big) and the dog a D- (narrow, flavorless, lifeless). I'd also like to give an E for effort to the intern girls who bought the Mormon guys an O'Douls so we wouldn't feel excluded. (We didn't drink it because it smelled like a bad combination of bodily fluids.)

This is for Jo (and maybe Lisa) more than anyone else. It's dark, but you know what I'm doing. Note the ballcap.

"Downtown" L.A.

No comment needed.

Only the best on Hollywood Boulevard.

Live blues preformance outside the Kodak Theater.

This is how training week ended. Five interns sprawled out on the floor of LAX, not to mention another girl to the left of Alex (bottom) and three or four Asian girls just to the left of this picture. The net effect of our training was apparently the obliteration of any apprehension any of us might have had about laying down on the grimy floor of a grimy city's airport.

Back in SF at last. A view of the Bay Bridge at night. Taken from an unspecified location.

I'll be working in the building on the right, I believe. Bluriness due to the combination of hand shakiness (fear) and strong wind gusts.

The Palace of Culture and Refinement, as we decided to call it. I think it's really called the palace of fine arts or something like that. It's just right next to the Exploratorium and was imposing and also fun to clamber up on.

Apparating didn't work, so...

A few pictures from early on.

Here are some salt flats I drove past right before I got to Wendover (aka Mordor), the ugliest place I believe I have ever seen.

This was meant to be a cool picture of the way the water-filled rumble strip grooves made a cool collective reflection. What resulted was a cool picture of my inability to remove the BYU parking sticker from the bottom corner of my windshield.

Cloud.

For Jo. Difficult to make out, but this sign announces one's arrival to the Nevada town of Lovelock. A gas station attendant confirmed that a trip to this town was what inspired Kanye...

I live here now.

Thank you, Asian couple, for omitting both the Golden Gate Bridge and downtown from this photo. You could've gone either way, and you went straight down the middle. 7-10 split.

Cue the awkward hand placement by Jae and the windswept hair by Dan.

Hey Ma and Pa: Remember, a mustache, a floppy hat, and that little triangle across the bay were what got this family started. Hooray for August 6th!

I get to live in San Francisco because some of the people in those buildings want me to do their taxes for them.

Finalized Book List

Okay, this is both late and lame, but here we are.

Walden (I'm partway through already)

Team of Rivals (Also partway through. Been stop and go on this bad boy forever)

Miracle of Forgiveness (Been on the to-do list for years)

Whatever book Nephi was reading the other night. He was so plugged into it that I am now intrigued.

Walk-off

Today the Yankees won their third game in the row by walk-off. They're playing clutch, they're having fun, and they're winning! I'm so happy right now. You have no idea.

Office Spotlight

I am not permitted to mention the name of the company I currently work for in any online setting. However, I believe it falls within my rights to introduce a few of my fellow employees at the Port Ewen, New York site. Here's the Christmas Card they sent out this year:

Please scan this picture carefully, making sure to look at each individual. I recommend clicking on the photo to enlarge it. As you can see, I work with true champions. An employee of this branch was in our office in Salt Lake today helping with some data. She and I had a heart-to-heart, during which it was revealed that most of the workforce there in P.E. are Yankees fans. What could be better, right? I'll tell you what. During our 90 minutes of interaction today, this employee expressed more profanities than I have heard in aggregate in 2009. At the end of the day, she does great work, is very helpful, and keeps everyone loose. I'm glad I work here.

Summer Goals

Yeah, it's still April, I know. I'm well aware of my seasons. However, since the BYU finishes so early, my summertime is now. When I was growing up, all the kids in our family would make summer goal sheets as soon as school got out. We'd post our goals on the closet door in the kitchen and then mark off our progress. In that spirit, I'd like to post my summer goals. I have greatly benefited from 360 degree feedback exercises in the past, so if anyone has suggestions, please make them known.

1. Learn to lasso things while astride a longboard. The ultimate goal here is to lasso a cat while riding down the street on a longboard.
2. Summer reading list (finalized list coming soon).
3. Figure out a way to unsubscribe to Christian Woman magazine, which Bryan signed me up for. They're relentless.
4. 200. I know I can.
5. Transcend.
   

Game On

Reading Books

Every once in a while, I like to read a book. I try not to make a habit of it, but there comes a point where even espn.com can no longer provide enough intellectual nourishment.
I'm currently in the middle of Team of Rivals, by Doris Kearns Goodwin. It's outstanding, and it falls into the two broad categories of books I typically hit:

1. Harry Potter
2. Historical biographies

This fall I'm taking a Dostoevsky class here at the BYU, so I'll be branching out there a little with brother Fyodor. In the meantime, I'm going to need to do some reading this spring and summer. Given the literary propensities of my reader pool, I figured I'd throw out my first bleg. What summer reading do you suggest for me? I commit to a follow-up post in which I announce my summer reading list.

Thanks for your help.

P.S. If anyone suggests any of the Twilight detritus, I'm unfriending you immediately on facebook.

Here's to Marie

Brahms' Op. 118, No. 2. You can thank me later.

March MADness

It is a Clarke family rule that everyone must fill out an NCAA tournament bracket, regardless of how much one knows/cares about college basketball. No one is exempt. The Boy, Pepe, Josh and I (and probably Dad too, who knows) have all devoted a significant portion of our lives to following college basketball and follow the tournament quite passionately. Nevertheless, our efforts to win the family bracket competition are rarely fruitful. Somehow Laura (and occasionally Marie) always manages to win the competitions. She can and has gone years without ever watching a college basketball game, yet she somehow and consistently dominates the family pool. I had hopes that this year would be different. Alas.

Corrections, amplifications, etc.

Knowing that he's frequently a topic of discussion on Headlong, Pepetonio occasionally reviews my blog for accuracy. The other day, he pointed out a mistake in one of my recent posts and insisted that I correct it. He told me the Ford Tough incident was in reference to queasiness, not abdominal strength, and that Marie was the one who had made the Honda comment. So much for that story.

On a more positive and more accurate note, we had a conversation about the financial crisis on Sunday night as we drove up to Clarke study group. I've lost quite a bit of money in the stock market, and Pepe knows it. Knowing that Pepe has amassed a considerable fortune (for an eleven-year-old), Marie asked him if he'd lost any money in the stock market recently. "No, I haven't," he said, and then, leaning forward and grinning at me, said, "I didn't put my life savings in the stock market." That little weasel.

Safety Tips

These bicycle safety tips were recently circulated in a corporate HR newsletter. I can't reveal exactly which company they are from, but I assure you I didn't make any of these up.

Bicycle Safety Tips
Warm weather is just around the corner, and soon it will be time
to dust off those bicycles. Here are some tips for safe riding:

• Always use hand signals when turning at intersections. There’s nothing motorists pay more attention to than hand signals from bicyclists.

• Leaving your bike out in the ice and cold all winter may cause serious damage.

• Always wear a helmet. If this makes you uncomfortable, think of the helmet as a crown and yourself as King Smart.

• Placing your feet firmly on the pedals of the bike will help reduce the “Wheee” sound emitted from your mouth while going downhill.

• Insist on a bicycle made of solid matter. Liquid and vapor bikes are a passing fancy; argon frames are particularly shoddy.

• Taking your bike in for a professional tune-up is a great way to waste $25.

• Be sure to wear your seatbelt, even if just biking down to the corner store.

• Visibility is crucial when biking. Ride with a lit highway flare in each hand.

• Every three to four weeks, lightly oil the chain. Then dip it in flour and fry it for a real taste treat.

• Does your city have adequate bike paths? If not, consider complaining about it to your local government for the next 40 years.

• Bike safety can never be stressed enough. If you doubt this, try stressing it as much as you possibly can. It won’t be enough–guaranteed.

Portate bien, vos.

I have a brother, as many of you are aware, named Pepetonio. Somewhere along the way, and certainly without any influence from The Boy and I, he has developed into kind of a smart aleck. Recent offerings from the eleven-year-old:

Last night, after the girl down the street had rung the doorbell three times during Sunday dinner (supposedly to "see the pigeons", but we all knew who she was there to see):

"Why don't you just tell her to come back later - like when I'm on my mission."

Some time last week, to Marie:

"Marie, my abs are Ford Tough (he does indeed have a six-pack), and yours are more like a Honda. "

Livestock

I've been thinking a lot about livestock transactions lately. For instance, were you aware that exchanging one livestock unit (a horse, for example) for another livestock unit of similar species but differing gender does not qualify as a like-kind exchange? Additionally, don't ever believe someone who tries to convince you that poultry qualify as livestock, because they don't.

Alert!

I am currently battling smallpox. This is unusual and rather alarming, the man from the CDC told me. They have prescribed me a rather aggressive antibiotic, which destroys not only the bacteria within my body, but also any bacteria inside a fifteen-foot radius from me. I emanate bacterial death. Initially, my odds of survival were quite good, but they are diminishing as my roommates become increasingly more convinced that the disease will soon spread to them; they plot my demise.

A Truly Worthwhile Sunday Activity

Over the break, Laura found her boy band-laden CD collection from high school. Pepetonio and I acted quickly and courageously destroyed the goods before Laura's hopes of earning young, impressionable Bryn's respect were forever dashed.

Knight Games

	General

Friday 2/6/2009

1 Week(s) 1 Day(s)

8:00 pm - 11:00 pm

Brock Josephson ( Brock Josephson )

WSC Ballroom, WSC Terrace, WSC Garden Court Knight Games is a new activity inspired by ideas submitted by students. The event will include a masquerade in the east ballroom, a labyrinth in the garden court, theatrical performances and sword fighting demonstrations in the East Ballroom (Performed by the gleeman's guild of the Medieval Club) Free fight arena (Padded swords and shields will be provided and students will have the opportunity to clash swords with their friends), Chess, and Crafts including: Chain-mail making and rose dipping (roses are dipped in wax for preservation). Students can enter and participate in whichever activities in which they are interested. This is event is open for all students. Free entry for BYU students and their guest (Limit: 1 guest per student) Am I excited about the Knight Games? Absolutely. Unfortunately, I forget to wipe down my armor after last month's Joust-A-Thon, so there has been a some rust damage. I guess this means that Dennis will go home with the sword fighting title once again.

El Bigote

Some of you may be wondering whether my creative spark has been extinguished, as I have been able to produce nothing more than a stream of YouTube clips. You would be correct. I do feel, however, that I will probably be growing out a mustache as soon as school gets out.

You don't bring pink lemonade to a MAN's picnic.

This is possibly my favorite YouTube clip of all time. This represents a bond shared deeply by my brothers and I.

Have I ever killed a man?

No, not since the 80's.

No further questions, please.

Christmas Quiz Answers

As per request:

1. When did Good King Wenceslas look down?
A: On the feast of Stephen.

2. What is the worst Christmas song of all time?
A: Christmas Shoes. Also acceptable: Silver and Gold

3. Who is the other reindeer (according to Pepe)?
A: Olive ("Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names")

4. The three words that best describe The Grinch are:
A: "The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote: 'Stink, stank, stunk'."

5. What one present did the Clarke family get to open last year on Christmas Eve?
A: Nerf guns