Headlong Into the Blue

Moving Day

2009-10-25T17:13:00.001-06:00

So, I've decided to pack up and move this whole operation over to jaeclarke.wordpress.com. There is no real reason for doing this.

Battle Royale

2009-10-21T22:53:00.009-06:00

Tonight we had a bit of a debate round here. Who would win between Gandalf (the White) and Albus Dumbledore? Please leave comments indicating your choice, and please support your choice with cogent arguments. For example, if you put something like "Dumbledore, because hes awesome!" you will have aspersions heaped upon you.

On Aging

2009-10-14T11:23:00.002-06:00

Soon I will be 25 years old, or middle-aged, in other words. When I was young, I thought I'd live forever. Now I am starting to become aware of some of the telltale signs of aging. For example, my affinity for '80s bands I used to despise is growing. I just bought music from both The Police and Depeche Mode. What next? Blondie? Another indication that I am growing old is my increasing cantankerousness (cantankerosity?). I get riled up sometimes about Kids These Days. I feel like the '90s just don't get enough respect. I spend a lot of time thinking about my retirement fund. My main social activity each week consists of playing Rummikub with my roommates. (Parenthetically, our apartment has essentially become an Old Folks' Home, other than the long flight of stairs to get up to it, the lack of three square meals a day, and the absence of surly semi-medical attendants. Dementia, clothing that is both unflattering and unfashionable, and time spent watching the History Channel are all there in abundance.) Jello is becoming more and more appealing as a primary food source. I feel compelled to argue with political commentators on TV. Last night, I believe everyone in our apartment was tucked in bed as of 11:15 PM. So raise a glass and shed a tear for the bygone days of youth. Old age in Provo is upon us.

Nobel Peace Prize Candidates

2009-10-11T10:01:00.003-06:00

Many of you probably heard that our President, Barack Obama, won the Nobel Peace Prize this week. While I believe President Obama is a good man and a well-intentioned man, and I do not disagree with all of his policies/ideologies, it has nevertheless been a struggle for me to understand why he would merit such an award. In the process of thinking about what kind of qualifications someone actually needs to win the Nobel Peace Prize, it occurred to me that a few other very worthy candidates were perhaps overlooked. I will list them for you.

*Beyonce's Music Video. As previously noted by Kanye West AND N. J. Henry, this is one of the best music videos OF ALL TIME! I have read a number of reports that indicate that this video alone is the only thing keeping the states of Louisiana and Mississippi from declaring war on each other.

*The Snuggie. Now available in leopard and zebra print. What is more peaceful than a blanket with sleeves?

*twitter. It has been clinically proven that people who tweet regularly are less likely to respond to everyday situations with physical aggression.

*The late Michael Jackson. Though his morals and character were clearly suspect, this man brought the world together upon his passing. People across the globe laid down their weapons, embraced, and shed tears as the news media gushed about Mr. Jackson's entertainment prowess.

*Dr. Z, Dr. Kevorkian, and Dr. Phil. This triumvirate of physicians have worn out their lives proclaiming peace in their own ways. A more deserving division of doctors never has existed.

Anyone I'm omitting? Please leave a comment to let me know.

Change! Hope!

2009-10-07T11:36:00.002-06:00

So I blatantly stole this from my cousin Landon's facebook. It's a message I believe we can all unitedly stand behind.

Parenting

2009-10-05T15:35:00.002-06:00

I have some thoughts about parenting. Specifically, being a father. Here's my idea for today: After-school snacks. As everyone knows, the classic after-school snack is milk and cookies. I would never turn down milk and cookies, regardless of the situation (after-school or not). However, I think my kids will love me when I greet them after school with neither milk nor cookies, but a tray of hot, crispy bacon. Think about it! It's got everything you need in an after-school snack: meat, saturated fats, and hearty aromas! In fact, if any of my roommates actually read this, please have a tray of bacon waiting for me when I get home today. Thank you.

Color Guard

2009-10-03T06:24:00.003-06:00

Last night, I offered my freshman sister a significant portion of money if she'd try out for and make the BYU Color Guard (the ones that prance around with flags next to the marching band). She flatly refused, even when I increased the offer. The offer remains open, however, to any of my friends who have not previously been a part of the Color Guard. Please contact me and we'll discuss the terms of the arrangement. If you have any questions, please refer them to Jo Firefox Metro, who enjoyed a distinctive career with the BYU Color Guard.

Pestilence

2009-09-27T18:49:00.002-06:00

We ran into a bit of trouble Friday night. It was around 5:30 in the afternoon. Suddenly, and without warning, flies began converging around our kitchen area (the common housefly variety). They were merely irritating initially, but as their numbers swelled they became intolerable. After a few unsuccessful hand swats, I borrowed a flyswatter from a neighbor and started doing work on them. As the death toll mounted, I became alarmed as their numbers didn't seem to be diminishing. 10, 15, 20, the fly corpses piled up in the kitchen sink, and still no relief. With wonder and amazement, Dr. Z and I continued swinging. 30, 35. . . The swarm abated as darkness fell and the sink pile grew. We finished the night at around 50. A few stragglers remain and we have been unable to determine the source. We keep the place fairly clean; whence this plague of flies? Is it revenge for my work in Virginia? Perhaps we'll never know.

Glenhaven Apartments: All the Adventure a Man Can Handle

A Very Specialized Skill Set

2009-09-23T11:30:00.002-06:00

I always yearned for notoriety, complete with full coverage by BYU's Daily Universe. I never quite knew in what form that notoriety would come. I wonder no more.

See this story.

Also, this one. Be sure to check out her blog. I'm #10.

Jae Clarke. Serial blind dater.

Let's Give It Up For The Coyote

2009-09-22T17:51:00.001-06:00

Also, this is hysterical.

Overheard

2009-09-22T17:39:00.002-06:00

Boy (dressed in white shirt and tie) to girl walking to devotional today:

"Yeah, I worked really hard at improving my accent. I'd read out loud, I'd do all kinds of stuff. I mean, it got to the point where people would ask, 'Are you from Brazil?'"

Clearly, she was impressed.

Boy to girl behind me in business law today:

"I'm the kind of guy that likes to push myself and try to be as good as I can. Where would you say you fall on that continuum?" I couldn't quite make out her answer, but apparently it wasn't motivated enough, so he launched into an attempt at convincing her to "go for it" more.

Clearly, she was impressed.

Sometimes, I hear girls complaining about guys who are arrogant. I never fault them.

Mischa Maisky

2009-09-20T09:47:00.000-06:00

I'm relaxing on a Sunday morning. Mischa Maisky is playing Bach's Cello Suite No. 1 for me. The house is quiet, my room is clean. I slept deeply and well last night, but I didn't oversleep. Though there are exams on Monday and much studying yet to be done, that must all wait until the day is over. Today I will rest, I will worship, and I will serve. I will ponder strategies for personal betterment. I have been waiting for the Sabbath Day with anticipation, and now it is here.

Fantastic Shot

2009-09-14T08:57:00.001-06:00

I'm not a Roger Federer fan, especially not since he started wearing black for night matches to "look intimidating". Please, Rog. You're built like a teachers quorum president. In any case, this is one of the most incredible shots I've ever seen. Enjoy.

Missionary Story

2009-09-13T14:52:00.001-06:00

Ok, so this is a cool profile of a sister serving in NYC. I just think it's a beautiful profile and a very respectful way of reporting on missionary work.

NY Times Profile

Glenhaven Taglines

2009-09-11T11:41:00.000-06:00

Some of you may not have visited me yet at my new residence. I live in one of the dowdiest apartment complexes in Provo. Come to think of it, I can't recall ever seeing one dowdier. I live in the undisputed dowdiest apartment complex in Provo! Anyway, one benefit of living in this place is the constant opportunity to think of ways to improve it. As I walked home yesterday, I noticed there is empty space on the name plate on the front of the building. My guess is that it used to say "New and Improved!!" or "Freshly Remodeled!!", but then they were sanctioned by Off-Campus Housing for posting fabrications and they just whited out the sign.

So I got to thinking: Wouldn't that be a great place for an apartment complex tagline? Something like "Glenhaven Apartments: All the Adventure a Man Can Handle!" or "Glenhaven Apartments: Mayhem Never Takes a Holiday, And Neither Do We!". I'll admit I stole the second one from an awful show i saw on TV last night. What are some other ideas? Maybe "Glenhaven Apartments: Go Unnoticed Socially for an Entire School Year!" I don't know. What are your thoughts? Stop by and visit some time if you're having trouble visualizing this place.

Hey, Money! Update

2009-09-02T13:53:00.001-06:00

So I'm reading a paper today that was written by the professor of the Money and Economics class I'm in. He denounces the use of currency for money (and gives me yet another reason to continue using cash whenever possible for major purchases). Here's a delightful snippet:

"The effective result is that in today's world, large currency mediated transactions are prima-fascia illicit!"

I think "prima-fascia illicit" will be my new preferred way of describing myself.

Hey, Money!

2009-09-01T11:08:00.000-06:00

Today, on a whim, I paid tuition. In cash. It's childish, I know, but seriously, I can't stop chuckling to myself about the thought of it. "How will you be paying?" an older gentleman asked me as I walked in. "Cash," I replied flatly. "Wow," he responded, raising his eyebrows slightly. He seemed impressed. I normally struggle to keep a straight face when I'm horsing around, but I must say I did a pretty good job at biting my lip as the cashier kid counted out the stack of benjamins (47 in total) and then tried to find change for a twenty. I think I'll be doing cash transactions from now on wherever possible. Cash: It's the new black.

Mission Accomplished

2009-08-23T21:58:00.000-06:00

Summer Goal = met (Summer Goals click here. I promise I was not holding anything heavy or wearing big coats or anything. I have witnesses to prove it.

Recession Razor

2009-08-23T11:22:00.000-06:00

This is as far as I got. Because of the Recession, everyone has had to cut back and I'm no exception. Sacrifices had to be made. I apologize for the poor photo quality. Again, the Recession.

El Bigote: Part II

2009-08-16T16:12:00.001-06:00

Recently I have begun to wear a mustache (no, that isn't me pictured above though). As anticipated, public outcry has grown steadily. Given the number of misconceptions circulating in today's society about the mustache, I've brought in an expert, Mr. Kellen Gunderson, to address the subject. His thoughts follow:

We live in a perilous time. Our once grandiose republic is situated above a precipice: we are threatened from outside extremists and internal dissension. Stop and contemplate the list of problems our country is trying to deal with: rising oceans and deficits, swine flu, a generalized loss of propriety, and our very worst enemy- twitter. Amidst this turmoil and struggle to retain sanity, our society has been blessed with a special group of citizens- real heroes, modern lionhearts. These men labor in the background, shunning the spotlight, never taking credit for being the glue that holds us together as free people.

Despite being relatively anonymous, these men carry a singular trait that sets them apart. They have hair. Not hair on their head, or their chest, or even their back. No, these men have hair the only place that matters... right above their upper lip. Ah, the mustache, the lodestar of our lives. Look deep into your heart and think about the last time you saw a mustache. I mean a really good mustache, the kind of mustache who's very presence in the universe can make you believe in goodness, masculinity and raw awesomeness! Yes! You remember the feeling, likely you stopped in your tracks as you caught a glimpse of the auburn brown lip mane moving gracefully across the town square. Its effect was formidable. You stuttered on your cell phone, unable to speak- finally able to mention a single syllable: Wow.

I could list the numerous savants of style who rock the stache: Einstein and Selleck, Lando Calrissian and Hulk Hogan, Geraldo Rivera and Rollie Fingers, and at some point every one of the Beatles. Yet we forget that it wasn't the mustaches that developed the general theory of relativity, taught us to "Imagine", bodyslammed Andre the Giant or opened Al Capone's glovebox. It was the men, but men with so much bravado, genius, and beauty that it could not all be contained on a cleanly shaven face. Next time you see a mustached man you will hopefully notice how they stand a little taller. These men must stand taller, because they stand apart as the last bastions of freedom in very perilous world.

Bio of the Author:

Adventurer, troubadour, socialite. This new age beatnik began writing during the Falkland Islands war, where he fought for both sides. As a modern, funk-pop renaissance man, Mr. Kellen Gunderson spends his time composing sublime prose and contemplating universal mysteries. He currently resides with his wife and bicycle in the Eastern Lands. Mr. Gunderson may be reached by carrier pigeon.

Advice From Pepe

2009-08-11T09:24:00.000-06:00

On investing:

As Pepe ate his cereal this morning, I explained the principle of diversification when investing. He has taken an interest in the stock market (I think) and regularly teases me about my stocks' poor performance. I showed him charts on Google Finance to illustrate my points. Parenthetically, I am definitely using Google Finance with my kids. They will learn to invest before they hit kindergarten. Anyway, Pepe grasped the diversification concept quickly. I threw him some hypothetical situations to make sure he understood, and he hit them over the fence. So I summarized by saying, "Log, so when you start investing, make sure you diversify."

He grinned big and said, "No, I'll just put all my money under my pillowcase and wait for the Tooth Fairy to double it."

That's a tip folks. Write that down. In your copybooks.

Happy Shark Week Everyone!

2009-08-04T23:39:00.001-06:00

One Thing

2009-08-03T09:19:00.000-06:00

...I appreciate about my family, both immediate and extended, is their ability to be patient and compassionate regardless of the circumstances. The Tueller family, Grandview edition, for example. On Friday night, a simple invitation had been extended to me. "Jae, would you care to join us for some Thai at the Silver Spoon on Saturday?" I accepted the invitation. From the Tuellers' perspective, here's how that dinner engagement unfolded.

At around 5:40 or so, the Tuellers arrive at the Silver Spoon - located in an upper-middle class, family-oriented district in San Francisco - and are seated. Cousin Jae, despite living a mere two blocks from the restaurant, is nowhere to be seen. Orders are placed, friendly conversation with the Thai waitresses ensues, still no sign of Jae. Orders arrive - sticky rice, pa-nang chicken, etc., still no sign of Jae. Suddenly, through the restaurant window, a tall, bare-chested, sunburnt man is seen exiting a dark sedan across the street. He glances up and down the street, clothed only in flip flops and board shorts in the San Francisco fog. After a few moments' deliberation, he pulls a t-shirt and hoody on and scampers across the street towards the restaurant. Enter Cousin Jae.

Thank you, Tueller Family for a great dinner and a great, compassionate weekend!

Dietary Constrictions

2009-08-01T13:07:00.000-06:00

Over the years, many of you have expressed admiration at my nutritional background. Several have patterned your dietary strategies around my own efforts. I feel a high degree of responsibility for this, and have therefore decided to offer everyone a little food tip. Last night I had an order of Gordon Biersch's famous garlic fries at the Giants game. They were delicious as usual. Afterward, I went with the Dave Tueller family to the world famous Bob's Doughnuts. The cake doughnuts were coming off fresh and I just couldn't help myself. I had a cake crumb, followed by a cake with maple icing, followed by another cake crumb. I left Bob's a satisfied man, but just a few short hours later, I reaped the whirlwind. I could hardly sleep last night due to acute stomach pains, which continued after I woke up this morning. Thinking to ease the discomfort with some mild apple sauce, I grabbed the jar and dug in. I quickly realized that my refusal to adhere to the "Refrigerate After Opening" warning had resulted in general ferementation of said sauce. Straight to the trash.

In summary, I had garlic fries, three Bob's Doughnuts, and alcoholic applesauce all in a row. If you ever find yourself feeling a little too healthy or happy, let me wholeheartedly recommend this combination. I felt like I'd been stabbed in the stomach.

Stress Test

2009-07-30T22:12:00.000-06:00

Sorry to swipe your headline, Meaceh.

I haven't been home for a while, so I can't verify the count quantifiably, but I can for sure sense the anxiety in her voice.

Wedding Pictures

2009-07-24T21:05:00.000-06:00

Due to a recent chain of events involving lies, retirement strategies, and two episodes of Planet Earth, I found myself examining photos from the now-infamous Hanks-Krueger wedding which occurred earlier this summer. This innocent perusal yielded some interesting findings, which had lain undiscovered until I used a state-of-the-art "zoom, enhance" technique. I will share said findings with you now.

Exhibit A:

I don't remember who took this particular photo, but he/she should be commended for capturing perfectly the essence of each roommate. Cameron and I in utter oblivion, Katie overcome with emotion, Justin gazing into the future, and Uncle Matt looking at a bug. I cannot think of another depiction that would render each of us more accurately.

Exhibit B:

Most of the participants in this photo are demonstrating the focus and demeanor appropriate for this type of occasion. Let me make, however, a couple of penetrating observations. First, Trix is clearly horsing. Entirely out of line for such a momentous achievement. Second, Uncle Matt has now begun gazing into the future, and judging by his expression, apparently doughnuts are part of that future. Thirdly, lest any of you question the propriety of my own facial arrangement, let me broaden your understanding of the context. This photo captured my face in a moment of sheer concentration - I was using The Force to delay the onset of the thunderstorm long enough for the temple photo shoot to conclude.

Exhibit C:

I wanted to join in the spirit of "Happiest day of my life", but as I find myself largely unmarried, I decided to include this image of a recent trip with Pa and Pepe. "I can't believe I'm actually at the Green!!"

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

2009-07-22T22:45:00.001-06:00

When you're away from friends, family for an extended period of time, one of the biggest worries is that when you see them again, everything will have changed so much as to make you irrelevant. I was on a long drive the other day, so I contacted a few friends to see how they were.

Jay was watching Saved by the Bell with Jo and the Berg.

Trix texted me excitedly to announce that she'd just purchased the final season of Saved by the Bell.

Cameron asked if he could call me back because he was bleeding in the emergency room and the doctor was just coming back into the room.

Megan didn't answer her phone.

It's nice to know that some things in life just aren't ever going to change.

Just the Basics

2009-07-01T22:50:00.000-06:00

*Disclaimer*
I can't think of who this would be funny to besides me and The Boy. Maybe Josh Hawkins, ByuDan, and Log. That's it. The picture is fairly funny, but for a real laugh, consider this question: Try to think of one person on earth with a worse attitude than Zach Randolph.

I challenge anyone to top me on this. And if Randolph poisoning the Knicks and the Clippers wasn't bad enough (and as if those sorry franchises needed the help anyway), he's just now been traded to Memphis. Great news for the Clips. I haven't checked the numbers yet, but I'd be willing to put money down that every team Randolph has ever played for improved dramatically the moment he left. Whenever I'm down, whenever I can find little in life to smile about, I can always think of Zach Randolph and chuckle.

Leveraged to the Hilt

2009-06-29T21:41:00.000-06:00

That's a new favorite phrase of mine, picked up from roommate and Frat House don B Haag. By the way, I took the time to count how many roommates I have yesterday. As of yesterday (and I guess today, I haven't seen anyone move in or out), there's eleven of us here. They call that population density.

I like a lot of the stuff that's happened here in SF. Not surprising. I like a lot of stuff. Here are some highlights, in no order whatsoever.

Today we had an intern get together. The beer was average, so I heard, so I didn't partake. The kebobs, on the other hand, were strong. At the end of the event, they told those of us lingering around to take home food. The interns were kind of hesitant, sizing people up before really going for it. Fellow intern Jordon and I looked at each other and went straight for the kebobs. I noticed a couple of the staff members eyeing us a little, so I asked if it was cool to take food home (I had a full, untouched tray/bin of kebobs in my arms at this point). They told me to lay my ears back, so I grabbed a tray of rice and a big bowl of salad to go with the kebobs.

So I rode the Muni home with that big pile of food (that would be the "No food allowed" Muni). Big hit with the roomies.

San Francisco leans liberal, as a general rule, but I think this little hipster unit was pushing it a little. $18 someplace around Union Square.

Speaking of clothing, whoever you are who grabbed my Patagonia soft shell after the kickball championships, please return it immediately. Just drop it over at 496 N. 750 E. in Provo, care of Matthew Ray Paskett.

Also, I'm addicted to baseball games. We went over to Oakland to see Timmy demolish the A's lightweight lineup. Loved every minute of it. Timmy's on my summer top five.

Mr. J, Mr. J

2009-06-23T23:53:00.000-06:00

I've had two guys call me Mr. J since I got out here. This is why.

SF Districts

2009-06-23T00:29:00.000-06:00

Roommate Clay sent me this cool map of the SF districts. We live in Forest Hill, turns out.

Why you'd want to live here...

2009-06-21T00:37:00.000-06:00

This week I was in LA for some tax intern training with PwC interns from around the country/world. I was the only Utahn there (surprise surprise) and one of a handful of BYU Mormons. I really had a great time with the training and met some great people. My camera spent the trip in my bag, but I managed to snag some shaky pictures with my phone.

On Thursday they took us to a Dodgers game. I got a Dodgers ballcap and a Dodger Dog, but I rooted for the A's. I'd give the ballcap an A- (just slightly too big) and the dog a D- (narrow, flavorless, lifeless). I'd also like to give an E for effort to the intern girls who bought the Mormon guys an O'Douls so we wouldn't feel excluded. (We didn't drink it because it smelled like a bad combination of bodily fluids.)

This is for Jo (and maybe Lisa) more than anyone else. It's dark, but you know what I'm doing. Note the ballcap.

"Downtown" L.A.

No comment needed.

Only the best on Hollywood Boulevard.

Live blues preformance outside the Kodak Theater.

This is how training week ended. Five interns sprawled out on the floor of LAX, not to mention another girl to the left of Alex (bottom) and three or four Asian girls just to the left of this picture. The net effect of our training was apparently the obliteration of any apprehension any of us might have had about laying down on the grimy floor of a grimy city's airport.

Back in SF at last. A view of the Bay Bridge at night. Taken from an unspecified location.

I'll be working in the building on the right, I believe. Bluriness due to the combination of hand shakiness (fear) and strong wind gusts.

The Palace of Culture and Refinement, as we decided to call it. I think it's really called the palace of fine arts or something like that. It's just right next to the Exploratorium and was imposing and also fun to clamber up on.

Apparating didn't work, so...

2009-06-14T21:16:00.000-06:00

A few pictures from early on.

Here are some salt flats I drove past right before I got to Wendover (aka Mordor), the ugliest place I believe I have ever seen.

This was meant to be a cool picture of the way the water-filled rumble strip grooves made a cool collective reflection. What resulted was a cool picture of my inability to remove the BYU parking sticker from the bottom corner of my windshield.

Cloud.

For Jo. Difficult to make out, but this sign announces one's arrival to the Nevada town of Lovelock. A gas station attendant confirmed that a trip to this town was what inspired Kanye...

I live here now.

Thank you, Asian couple, for omitting both the Golden Gate Bridge and downtown from this photo. You could've gone either way, and you went straight down the middle. 7-10 split.

Cue the awkward hand placement by Jae and the windswept hair by Dan.

Hey Ma and Pa: Remember, a mustache, a floppy hat, and that little triangle across the bay were what got this family started. Hooray for August 6th!

I get to live in San Francisco because some of the people in those buildings want me to do their taxes for them.

Finalized Book List

2009-06-14T20:31:00.000-06:00

Okay, this is both late and lame, but here we are.

Walden (I'm partway through already)

Team of Rivals (Also partway through. Been stop and go on this bad boy forever)

Miracle of Forgiveness (Been on the to-do list for years)

Whatever book Nephi was reading the other night. He was so plugged into it that I am now intrigued.

Walk-off

2009-05-17T20:24:00.000-06:00

Today the Yankees won their third game in the row by walk-off. They're playing clutch, they're having fun, and they're winning! I'm so happy right now. You have no idea.

Office Spotlight

2009-05-12T21:27:00.000-06:00

I am not permitted to mention the name of the company I currently work for in any online setting. However, I believe it falls within my rights to introduce a few of my fellow employees at the Port Ewen, New York site. Here's the Christmas Card they sent out this year:

Please scan this picture carefully, making sure to look at each individual. I recommend clicking on the photo to enlarge it. As you can see, I work with true champions. An employee of this branch was in our office in Salt Lake today helping with some data. She and I had a heart-to-heart, during which it was revealed that most of the workforce there in P.E. are Yankees fans. What could be better, right? I'll tell you what. During our 90 minutes of interaction today, this employee expressed more profanities than I have heard in aggregate in 2009. At the end of the day, she does great work, is very helpful, and keeps everyone loose. I'm glad I work here.

Summer Goals

2009-04-26T17:22:00.000-06:00

Yeah, it's still April, I know. I'm well aware of my seasons. However, since the BYU finishes so early, my summertime is now. When I was growing up, all the kids in our family would make summer goal sheets as soon as school got out. We'd post our goals on the closet door in the kitchen and then mark off our progress. In that spirit, I'd like to post my summer goals. I have greatly benefited from 360 degree feedback exercises in the past, so if anyone has suggestions, please make them known.

Learn to lasso things while astride a longboard. The ultimate goal here is to lasso a cat while riding down the street on a longboard.
Summer reading list (finalized list coming soon).
Figure out a way to unsubscribe to Christian Woman magazine, which Bryan signed me up for. They're relentless.
200. I know I can.
Transcend.

Game On

2009-04-13T18:31:00.001-06:00

Reading Books

2009-04-06T10:52:00.000-06:00

Every once in a while, I like to read a book. I try not to make a habit of it, but there comes a point where even espn.com can no longer provide enough intellectual nourishment.
I'm currently in the middle of Team of Rivals, by Doris Kearns Goodwin. It's outstanding, and it falls into the two broad categories of books I typically hit:

1. Harry Potter
2. Historical biographies

This fall I'm taking a Dostoevsky class here at the BYU, so I'll be branching out there a little with brother Fyodor. In the meantime, I'm going to need to do some reading this spring and summer. Given the literary propensities of my reader pool, I figured I'd throw out my first bleg. What summer reading do you suggest for me? I commit to a follow-up post in which I announce my summer reading list.

Thanks for your help.

P.S. If anyone suggests any of the Twilight detritus, I'm unfriending you immediately on facebook.

Here's to Marie

2009-03-31T23:47:00.001-06:00

Brahms' Op. 118, No. 2. You can thank me later.

March MADness

2009-03-22T23:30:00.000-06:00

It is a Clarke family rule that everyone must fill out an NCAA tournament bracket, regardless of how much one knows/cares about college basketball. No one is exempt. The Boy, Pepe, Josh and I (and probably Dad too, who knows) have all devoted a significant portion of our lives to following college basketball and follow the tournament quite passionately. Nevertheless, our efforts to win the family bracket competition are rarely fruitful. Somehow Laura (and occasionally Marie) always manages to win the competitions. She can and has gone years without ever watching a college basketball game, yet she somehow and consistently dominates the family pool. I had hopes that this year would be different. Alas.

Corrections, amplifications, etc.

2009-03-10T14:23:00.000-06:00

Knowing that he's frequently a topic of discussion on Headlong, Pepetonio occasionally reviews my blog for accuracy. The other day, he pointed out a mistake in one of my recent posts and insisted that I correct it. He told me the Ford Tough incident was in reference to queasiness, not abdominal strength, and that Marie was the one who had made the Honda comment. So much for that story.

On a more positive and more accurate note, we had a conversation about the financial crisis on Sunday night as we drove up to Clarke study group. I've lost quite a bit of money in the stock market, and Pepe knows it. Knowing that Pepe has amassed a considerable fortune (for an eleven-year-old), Marie asked him if he'd lost any money in the stock market recently. "No, I haven't," he said, and then, leaning forward and grinning at me, said, "I didn't put my life savings in the stock market." That little weasel.

Safety Tips

2009-03-05T14:14:00.001-07:00

These bicycle safety tips were recently circulated in a corporate HR newsletter. I can't reveal exactly which company they are from, but I assure you I didn't make any of these up.

Bicycle Safety Tips
Warm weather is just around the corner, and soon it will be time
to dust off those bicycles. Here are some tips for safe riding:

Always use hand signals when turning at intersections. There’s nothing motorists pay more attention to than hand signals from bicyclists.

Leaving your bike out in the ice and cold all winter may cause serious damage.

Always wear a helmet. If this makes you uncomfortable, think of the helmet as a crown and yourself as King Smart.

Placing your feet firmly on the pedals of the bike will help reduce the “Wheee” sound emitted from your mouth while going downhill.

Insist on a bicycle made of solid matter. Liquid and vapor bikes are a passing fancy; argon frames are particularly shoddy.

Taking your bike in for a professional tune-up is a great way to waste $25.

Be sure to wear your seatbelt, even if just biking down to the corner store.

Visibility is crucial when biking. Ride with a lit highway flare in each hand.

Every three to four weeks, lightly oil the chain. Then dip it in flour and fry it for a real taste treat.

Does your city have adequate bike paths? If not, consider complaining about it to your local government for the next 40 years.

Bike safety can never be stressed enough. If you doubt this, try stressing it as much as you possibly can. It won’t be enough–guaranteed.

2009-03-02T11:16:00.001-07:00

Portate bien, vos.

2009-02-23T17:30:00.001-07:00

I have a brother, as many of you are aware, named Pepetonio. Somewhere along the way, and certainly without any influence from The Boy and I, he has developed into kind of a smart aleck. Recent offerings from the eleven-year-old:

Last night, after the girl down the street had rung the doorbell three times during Sunday dinner (supposedly to "see the pigeons", but we all knew who she was there to see):

"Why don't you just tell her to come back later - like when I'm on my mission."

Some time last week, to Marie:

"Marie, my abs are Ford Tough (he does indeed have a six-pack), and yours are more like a Honda. "

Livestock

2009-02-12T15:12:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about livestock transactions lately. For instance, were you aware that exchanging one livestock unit (a horse, for example) for another livestock unit of similar species but differing gender does not qualify as a like-kind exchange? Additionally, don't ever believe someone who tries to convince you that poultry qualify as livestock, because they don't.

Alert!

2009-02-03T09:31:00.000-07:00

I am currently battling smallpox. This is unusual and rather alarming, the man from the CDC told me. They have prescribed me a rather aggressive antibiotic, which destroys not only the bacteria within my body, but also any bacteria inside a fifteen-foot radius from me. I emanate bacterial death. Initially, my odds of survival were quite good, but they are diminishing as my roommates become increasingly more convinced that the disease will soon spread to them; they plot my demise.

A Truly Worthwhile Sunday Activity

2009-02-01T22:15:00.000-07:00

Over the break, Laura found her boy band-laden CD collection from high school. Pepetonio and I acted quickly and courageously destroyed the goods before Laura's hopes of earning young, impressionable Bryn's respect were forever dashed.

Knight Games

2009-01-29T20:18:00.000-07:00

	General

Friday 2/6/2009

1 Week(s) 1 Day(s)

8:00 pm - 11:00 pm

Brock Josephson ( Brock Josephson )

WSC Ballroom, WSC Terrace, WSC Garden Court

Knight Games is a new activity inspired by ideas submitted by students. The event will include a masquerade in the east ballroom, a labyrinth in the garden court, theatrical performances and sword fighting demonstrations in the East Ballroom (Performed by the gleeman's guild of the Medieval Club) Free fight arena (Padded swords and shields will be provided and students will have the opportunity to clash swords with their friends), Chess, and Crafts including: Chain-mail making and rose dipping (roses are dipped in wax for preservation). Students can enter and participate in whichever activities in which they are interested. This is event is open for all students.

Free entry for BYU students and their guest (Limit: 1 guest per student)

Am I excited about the Knight Games? Absolutely. Unfortunately, I forget to wipe down my armor after last month's Joust-A-Thon, so there has been a some rust damage. I guess this means that Dennis will go home with the sword fighting title once again.

El Bigote

2009-01-16T13:07:00.000-07:00

Some of you may be wondering whether my creative spark has been extinguished, as I have been able to produce nothing more than a stream of YouTube clips. You would be correct. I do feel, however, that I will probably be growing out a mustache as soon as school gets out.

You don't bring pink lemonade to a MAN's picnic.

2009-01-07T12:30:00.000-07:00

This is possibly my favorite YouTube clip of all time. This represents a bond shared deeply by my brothers and I.

2009-01-07T12:25:00.000-07:00

Have I ever killed a man?

No, not since the 80's.

No further questions, please.

Christmas Quiz Answers

2009-01-03T17:24:00.000-07:00

As per request:

1. When did Good King Wenceslas look down?
A: On the feast of Stephen.

2. What is the worst Christmas song of all time?
A: Christmas Shoes. Also acceptable: Silver and Gold

3. Who is the other reindeer (according to Pepe)?
A: Olive ("Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names")

4. The three words that best describe The Grinch are:
A: "The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote: 'Stink, stank, stunk'."

5. What one present did the Clarke family get to open last year on Christmas Eve?
A: Nerf guns

Winners!!

2008-12-31T14:55:00.000-07:00

The votes have been tallied, and we have a winner in the First Annual Christmas Quiz Bowl Challenge Event! We had many close entries, but Becky and Hema are the winners. They absolutely nailed every answer. For #2 Pepe and I would have also accepted "Silver and Gold," from the Rudolph the Reindeer clay-mation performance. Becky and Hema, check the mail, because a delicious Christmas dessert unit is on its way!

Merry December 28th!

2008-12-27T23:13:00.001-07:00

Christmas card from Stance and 3rd-grade Program Hands.

P.S. I lost that fleece somewhere - I think on the Red Pine trip. If anyone has seen it, I want it back, even though the sleeve length is clearly insufficient.

Christmas Quiz

2008-12-24T17:04:00.000-07:00

In the spirit of both Christmas and trivia, Pepetonio and I have devised this little Christmas quiz for everyone. The first one to contact me with the correct answers will receive a free Christmas dessert unit.

1. When did Good King Wenceslas look down?

2. What is the worst Christmas song of all time?

3. Who is the other reindeer (according to Pepe)?

4. The three words that best describe The Grinch are:

5. What one present did the Clarke family get to open last year on Christmas Eve?

An Affair to Remember

2008-12-23T18:39:00.000-07:00

I watched An Affair to Remember with my sister Marie over the last couple days (confession: I did spend the majority of the time building Legos with Log. But I listened with rapt attention to the witty banter, etc.). In most shows like that, the man and woman meet, sparks fly, some sort of conflict arises, there's feelings, and then in the end they both realize how wrong they were. There's kind of a give and take.

"I guess I should have treated you better."
"Well, I guess I shouldn't have judged you."

Something to that effect. Well, An Affair to Remember is different. There's some conflict and some misunderstanding, but it's all the woman's fault. Sure, she got in a car accident, but seriously, how hard would it be to just text him, or shoot him a fax? I know I'm not being very PC here, and I'll probably get torn to shreds in the papers tomorrow morning, but this is the truth. High five to Cary Grant for having the patience to stick with her.

Group Evaluations

2008-12-18T21:08:00.000-07:00

In my marketing class (MBA 550), we were asked to evaluate the members of the groups we were in all semester. We were then given the opportunity to explain any extenuating circumstances that may have impacted the scores we received from our team members. The following is my response. Click on the picture to see it bigger.

Un Nuevo Look

2008-12-04T15:45:00.001-07:00

I think we'd better take a moment and talk about hairstyle. I noticed the other day that I have Ken hair (circa 1980's). I'm still trying to decide whether this is a good or a bad thing, but in any case it got me thinking about hair. I think there are a number of ways to go with this. A classic choice is the bowl cut. It's easy to do, easy to maintain, and absolutely guaranteed to help you avoid those unwanted social interactions. The Boy has been a fan for a few years now of the 90's wave. It's a little harder to pull off, but it's a go-to look if you're looking for the "wow" factor. Some people will still recommend the mullet, not realizing that like cigarettes, wearing the mullet has now been banned in public areas in 47 states (Mississippi, South Dakota, and Tennessee are unfortunate exceptions). The best way to get a cheap, easy, nondescript haircut is to put down your $69.95 and invest in a Flowbee. Invented by San Diego carpenter, entrepreneur, and hair diva Rick Hunts, the Flowbee combines the best attributes of a vacuum cleaner and a set of hair clippers to form the ultimate hairstyle machine. Flowbee is suitable for both people and pets, and is really a lifetime investment. I've read the testimonials, and they moved me to tears.

Nation, the importance of Hairstyle cannot be underemphasized. Please contact me if I have omitted any important hairstyle developments.

Point - Counterpoint: Volume I

2008-12-01T18:18:00.000-07:00

This is the first in a series in which international experts are invited to share insights on today's most pressing issues. Feel free to leave a comment to keep the conversation going.

Reptiles As Food

Point-
By Rogers Hammerstein

I generally take a stance against them, except in one specific case; when they are to be used as food. Personally, I think eating chicken is weird. You wouldn't eat a pigeon would you? Time to study for the SAT's- mouse is to pigeon as rat is to......

Plus it is a scientific fact that reptile meat includes a variety of antivitamins. Antivitamins are mega vitamins that are only effective on super intelligent beings like geoscientists and Bill Cosby. Reptile meat contains zero regular vitamins, which is actually good because vitamins are actually a way for Sarah Palin and evil republicans to control your mind and make you hate the environment.

Have you ever tasted gila monster tettrazinni, gharial gumbo, two-toed worm lizard parmesan? If not, it is likely you have never visited La Paz or Sri Lanka.

Counterpoint-

by Tevye the Dairyman

I prefer possums.

Careful With That Rake

2008-12-01T14:07:00.000-07:00

Perhaps my favorite part about Capitol Reef National Park is the disembodied heads you can sometimes find in the undergrowth.

Journal

2008-11-18T12:35:00.000-07:00

The last thing any of you want to hear about is what is actually going on in my life. However, in the name of providing some context for the next few months' activities, I digress into personal matters. Yesterday I accepted an offer with PricewaterhouseCoopers for an internship in San Francisco this summer. I had a great experience interviewing both there and with Ernst & Young in San Jose. The decision was difficult, but I feel good about PwC. Now the only question is where to live . . .

2008-11-10T22:39:00.000-07:00

At the risk of over-YouTubing, I have to share this. This is probably my favorite version of a song that's beautiful to begin with. If anyone knows how she can sing that low, let me know.

Role Models

2008-11-04T17:19:00.000-07:00

Here's a fun exercise I tried on Saturday. Look at each member of this legendary rock 'n' roll band. Take your time. Look at each of their faces. As you look at each one, try to guess how many positive life decisions they have made in total, ever. Six? Twelve? None? And yet they have produced some of the greatest rock charts of all time. So what do we learn from Journey? Do you need intelligence to make history? No, obviously not. Do you need good looks? Clearly, no. All you need is to have the music inside you. The music inside you.

2008-10-30T23:11:00.000-06:00

Outfit of the Week

2008-10-30T10:05:00.000-06:00

Every week or so my cousin Diana creates an Outfit of the Week and shares it with the world. Her outfits always demonstrate style, class, and dignity. Without intending to one-up Cousin Di, I thought it would be best if I offered my own perspective on Outfit of the Week.

Possible Birthday Idea?

2008-10-10T11:47:00.001-06:00

I hear Jo Metro might like a pair as well...

Click here.

Jelly Beans

2008-10-05T13:25:00.000-06:00

This week I was feeling very mischievous and drowsy so I decided to put some extremely gross jelly beans in a freshly baked cake. The flavors were skunk spray, pencil shavings, rotten egg, toothpaste, ear wax, vomit, booger, moldy cheese, baby wipes, and black pepper. It turns out that a lady on our street had recently had stomach surgery and my grandparents were over. The woman ended up recieving one as well as my grandma. So I suggest that you don't trust my cooking anymore.

Posted by Pepetonio

Even Prouder to Be an American

2008-09-23T21:37:00.000-06:00

This is sweet. Marvin Gaye performing the national anthem before the 1983 NBA All-Star Game. I've listened to it about 13 times in a row.

Wedding Planner II: Getting Personal

2008-09-18T17:26:00.000-06:00

I continue to offer my services as a wedding consultant. While I tailor each wedding to the individuals involved, I have recently begun thinking of my own TBA wedding. Specifically, I've compiled a list of performances I would like to have be a part of the festivities. Tentative program:

Mary, Did You Know, performed by Nick Tanner.
It's Too Late to Call the Judge, performed by Tyler Madsen, featuring background vocals by my mom.
Utah, People Working Together, performed by Pepetonio.
I Wanna Be Where the People Are, performed by Laura (& baby Tinsel?).
Porque es tan Cruel el Amor?, performed by Dan Whitehead.
If I Were the King of the Forest, performed by Uncle Hal.
The Stars and Stripes Forever, a piano quartet featuring Marie Clarke.
Lady in Red (my official wedding song), performed by The Boy, with Is it Any Wonder? as an encore performance.

I believe this should provide for a welcome change in tempo from the majority of wedding luncheons. Am I neglecting anything? Are there any other performances that should be included?

Swagger, Cont'd.

2008-09-10T19:39:00.000-06:00

Alert reader and S6 member Matt informed me this morning that I am not the only one who has benefited from this remarkable consumer product:

Swagger in Action

Look Carefully

2008-09-09T09:51:00.000-06:00

What they see:

What I see:

Guest Post

2008-09-01T18:18:00.000-06:00

As a part of my ongoing quest to broaden my intellectual horizons, I have invited my good friend and noted herpetologist, Jolyn Djibouti Metro, to share a few thoughts this week:

Growing up, the only living creatures that were allowed to live inside of our house (with our knowledge...) besides homo sapiens were reptiles and amphibians. We went through numerous frogs, lizards, and snakes. We learned a lot about metamorphosis by watching the 2-legged "frogs" change into fully developed ones; we learned about adaptation by watching the lizard grow it's severed tail back; and we learned a lot about the life cycle by watching our 6' long gardener snake devour one small white mouse weekly. This provided much hands-on education for us Metro kids, which was probably needed due to the fact that we were homeschooled for a considerable portion of our elementary school years.

I can really only remember two of the lizards that we had, Minnie and Mickey. Minnie died within three days of us purchasing her, just by dying, in her cage, all alone. Her funeral consisted solely of us throwing her in the dumpster outside. That's when we got Mickey. He lasted a much longer time, but his end was much more tragic than Minnie's.

In the particular house that we were living in at the time (8613 Dixie Canyon Court, Antelope, CA 95843 Phone Number (916) 729-1284--just providing proof of my unfailing memory) we had a study which was positioned adjacent to the living room. We used it as our office, and it housed a majority of our books. It was also where we kept our pets. We walked in one day to find my little brother Ben and his friend, Drew Farley, grasping our little Mickey by the tail and hurling him over and over and over across the room against the painfully white double doors that led to the study. Needless to say, he died. Ben, that is. Dad wasn't too pleased with his actions, so Ben got the ax. No, I'm just kidding, Mickey died. And despite the fact that he died in a much more dramatic and heroic way than Minnie, he got the same exact funeral treatment.

Which brings me to the point of this post. Funeral celebrations should be based on the way you die. There is a hierarchy of death that this world is not living up to. Death by old age while at home with all your family surrounding you? That really deserves no celebration at all. Death by flying squirrel? You should at least get a box to sleep in. Death by being caught in the middle of a street shooting? Eulogy provided by 50 Cent.

We need to stop celebrating and encouraging mediocrity, that includes mediocre deaths. Mediocrity is the #1 problem facing the world today, and we're perpetuating it in ways that we don't even realize. Most people recognize the mediocrity that they're pushing in little kids gymnastics class. The kid who can't even do a somersault gets the exact same ribbon as the kid who can do a Mariel 540. This says to the kid, "you don't have to even try to excel, you get the same prize as everyone else." So why aren't people realizing the same thing is said with funerals? If we provide the same type of funerals to everyone, no matter what type of death, we're basically saying, "Yeah, go ahead and don't even try to be a hero and die well. You get the same treatment as all these other people."

So, let's take a stand against the unjust and equal funeral system and start providing people who have died from choking on pretzels with the funeral they deserve: throwing them in the dumpster.
~

Jolyn Djibouti Metro

Positive Experience

2008-08-24T10:34:00.000-06:00

When Pepetonio was about 8 years old, I showed him how to tie a necktie (single Windsdor, like the real men). He asked me to show him again, and I did so slowly, with him following along. Pepe has been tying his own tie ever since, with no further instruction or demonstration. I commended him on his rapid mastery of the discipline this morning, and he sat back in my chair, reflecting. He said, "There have been a couple of times when I messed up and it turned out pretty weird, but overall I've had a positive experience with it."

Pepe is unique in his combination of both acting his age (10) and closing the gap (athletically, intellectually, etc.) between he and his much-older siblings. This is a boy who laughs at the "all-American" Budweiser commercials during the olympics because he knows Anheuser-Busch was recently acquired by a Belgian-Brazilian conglomerate. This is also a boy who regularly asks which of his stuffed animals we think he should sleep with tonight. This is a boy who can identify, either by sight or by sound, more birds than anyone I've ever met. This is a boy who told me that at his football game yesterday, he put the first kid he blocked on his back, but that after that, "he knew I was coming."

Hanging out with Pepe has been one of my favorite parts about living at home this summer, and I'll honestly miss him when I go back to Provo in the fall.

Don't Hassle Me, I'm Local

2008-08-10T22:08:00.000-06:00

I normally don't read local newspapers, because nothing really happens in Utah. After reading this article in the Deseret Morning News recently, I have decided to change that policy. Pardon the unprofessional article presentation.

Please note the cause of the scuffle.

Nomenclature

2008-08-06T20:01:00.000-06:00

One of my siblings (I'm not telling which) is going to have a baby in December. The gender of said baby has not yet been determined. There have been many suggestions as to the name of this child, which I will put forth here, under their respective subject headings.

Christmas Names
Wenceslas
Tinsel
Scamper (after the penguin)
Ebenezer
George Bailey
Tiny Tim
Kris

Names from my Work
Doug
Don
Bruce
Garth
Kathy
Vivian (Viv)
Enrique
Mary Lou
Ursula

Names from History
Sacajawea
Boo (as in Boo Radley)
Hercules
Ramses
Oprah
Mohammed
Bronco
Florence
Knute
Draco

These are just a few of the ones we've been considering. Additional suggestions, however, are most welcome.

Loridan

2008-08-05T19:28:00.000-06:00

Yesterday morning, I realized that my house is not on the way to anything. Unless you are headed to one of the houses on our street, you'd better turn around, because this street won't help you get there. I like this. It means that my home will always be a destination, not just part of the journey, and the attraction will always be the people who live here because there are no other major attractions up this way! Because my home rests upon roads less traveled, I cannot come here on a mere detour on the way to something bigger and better. Coming home means, at a minimum, a purposeful pause in my journey. I may have other places to go, eventually, but for now I've come home.

Really Deep

2008-07-28T19:47:00.000-06:00

The following is a comment somebody left after the video for Chris Brown's With You. I've been really impressed by the emotional maturity she expresses, especially given Mr. Brown's fancy footwork in the video.

i love this song. but at the same time it makes me sorta wanna cry. i danced at a school dance with my crush to this song and then he said he liked me. then he decided he didnt and ive liked him ever since. so its amazing song and its really deep. i love it

Wedding Planner

2008-07-14T18:51:00.000-06:00

I've been to a lot of weddings and receptions recently. Most of my friends are married or will be married soon. Some of my younger siblings are married. While I can't say I am good at getting married, I do feel like I'm getting really good at going to wedding receptions. I can be part of the wedding group (denoted by an "outfit") or I can be just an average spectator, either way. I bring a lot of versatility to the table. Given my vast experience base, I feel quite qualified to give a few pointers to anyone who is planning a reception in the near future.

1. Colors
Let's start with the basics here. A common mistake on the color front is to choose overused hues like blue, pink, red, etc. So 20th century. If you're really looking for a special day, go with something original, like tan and dark gray. Definite hit.

2. Music
This was basically all I wanted to talk about in the first place. I was thinking today about the song Lady in Red, by Chris De Burgh, and how it is without question one of the worst songs of all time. Then I thought, wouldn't it be awesome if somebody used that at their wedding reception? Like, in Panguitch? That would be perfect! Big bangs, tan and dark gray outfits, and Lady in Red on the wedding video. "We met at a church dance in the eighth grade, and this has been our song ever since." True, by Spandau Ballet, and Never Gonna Give You Up, by Rick Astley, could complete the playlist.

3. Ball Caps

The feel of a wedding, the look of NBA draft day. What could be better? Looking back on Laura's wedding, this is probably the moment that The Boy and I are most proud of.

4. Wild Kids
Really, a reception's not a reception without a small band of kids running amuck. I have it on good authority that at a recent reception, one of my young cousins was seen filling his pockets with the chocolate fountain. This is by far the best way to give the happy couple a preview of the joys of parenting that await them.

That should probably do it for now. I also have great insights regarding the menu, wedding group roster, venue, invitations, etc., but those all figure into my billable hours, so I won't share them here.

For Whom the Bell Tolls

2008-07-06T21:42:00.000-06:00

Alert reader and cultural advocate Jolyn Metro sent me this outstanding article this morning. I was deeply moved as I read it, and it made me reflect on my life-pace and whether I am running the race right. I highly recommend it.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/04/04/AR2007040401721.html

The author has received a Pulitzer Prize for this work, as I understand it.

Basic What?

2008-07-02T21:47:00.000-06:00

Yesterday's dinner disappointment has made me consider more deeply the packaging associated with food products. I was discussing this subject with Laura, one of the sisters that I have, and she pointed out Basic 4 cereal, a General Mills offering. As many of you are no doubt aware, there has been quite a bit of controversy surrounding this "wholesome" cereal choice. The point of debate has been the Basic 4 components. Nowhere on the box is it clearly stated what the Basic 4 are. The consumer is left to her own logic, supermarket rumors, and internet chat rooms to discover the true make-up. Let's analyze a few of the contemporary views.

One suggestion is that the Basic 4 are in fact the original four food groups (grains, fruits/vegetables, meats, dairy). This seems fairly logical, until one considers the low meat content in Basic 4. Others have declared that the Basic 4 are the four words bolded in green on the front of the box. Grains, nuts, and fruits all pass muster, but "delicious" is a no-go. Tell me how you plan to include "delicious" (independent of all other ingredients) in a cereal box. "Loaded with nine essential vitamins, minerals and adjectives." Please. Delicious isn't even FDA approved. Another hypothesis is that Basic 4 refers to the first four ingredients, namely whole grain wheat (wholesome), corn meal, sugar, and brown sugar. I guess those are all pretty basic, but I don't know why they'd want to call attention to the fact that two of the four are sugars (less wholesome).

In short, we basically (pun intended) have a handful of theories that are tenuous at best, outrageous lies at worst. I turn the matter over to the community at large: Do any of you know what the Basic 4 are? Even better, can any of you produce documentation from General Mills certifying the identity of said 4?

All Artificial Ingredients!

2008-07-01T19:28:00.000-06:00

Well, this box contained tonight's "dinner". Obviously my expectations were low, about as low as the nutritional content of Michelina's Lean Gourmet fare. I was struck by the little badge placed right on top of the heap of noodles and what-not. "Chef Inspired Recipe". What an intriguing phrase in itself, let alone to be placed on a badge. What can that mean? Was the maker of this meal (Michelina herself?) thinking of a favorite chef as she assembled this culinary mediocrity? Are we to imply that "Chef Inspired" means that an actual food professional was considered, but not necessarily consulted in the design of this dish? "Why yes, I was specifically thinking of Chef Gusteau when I decided that MSG would be the perfect complement to the trans fat in the sauce."

Upon close scrutiny, the tiny round green circle near the bottom of the plate bears an even more cryptic phrase. "Inspected for wholesomeness by the U.S. Department of Agriculture." What does THAT mean? It doesn't even say what the results of the inspection were! I assume it passed, but then again my experience in actually ingesting the Lean Gourmet "Chicken" Alfredo Florentine doesn't particularly shore up that assumption. I'm no dietician (refer to the Allison Knab), but I don't recall the term "wholesomeness" being used in any sort of specific nutritional way. It's a great way to make something sound healthy without getting into any supporting details. I'm disappointed and truly surprised that a governmental agency would produce a vague, uninformative certification. It's so unlike them.

McFerrin & Bona

2008-06-28T01:09:00.000-06:00

This performance by Richard Bona and Bobby McFerrin is maybe the purest musical performance I've ever seen it. Makes me wonder why I've ever wasted my time listening to marginally talented musicians.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=iimMKWF7SK0&feature=related

If I Had a Thousand Dollars

2008-06-25T20:27:00.000-06:00

The other day, Log and I were eating dinner. He pointed out that I was making a lot of money in my job (from a 10-year-old's perspective), so why couldn't I just give him a thousand dollars? This made reflect seriously. In the last week, Log has brought home four wild frogs (and built a superb habitat for them), discovered three baby quail and attempted to keep them alive, and borrowed a toad from his buddy Kaden. Given the kid's limited resources, he has been remarkably successful in transforming our east Sandy home into Animal Planet. I've tried to imagine what critters we'd find roaming the grounds if he had a grand to add into the kitty.

Someone said recently that Laura has become so impressed with Paul Pierce (regardless of whether he really is Hispanic) that she's vowed to name the babe "The Truth" in his honor.

I've decided not to post any pictures of last night's bouldering, but I will say this: if current trends continue, it would be wise to buy stock in makers of Loc-tite super glue and Band-Aids. That's basically what's holding my hands together right now.

Immigration

2008-06-22T18:59:00.000-06:00

As a rare foray from the monological pretenses of Headlong Into the Blue, I'd like to enlist the help of any of you readers out there. I frequently hear poorly crafted, illogical arguments on the issue of immigration. I see people (i.e., the Minutemen) getting lathered up about the influx of Hispanics and other immigrants into Utah and other states. I hear snarls of "They're stealing our jobs," and "They don't speak our language." I admit that I am biased towards the Latinos, having lived for two years in Uruguay, but I personally don't see what's wrong with having more immigrants in the state. What would the negative consequences be if we just made it less difficult for these folks to enter the United States for work? This seems suspiciously simple to me, but I'm having trouble seeing the opposing point of view. Readers, can you point out any gaps in my reasoning? Why is it so bad to have all these immigrants in the country?

Flapper

2008-06-14T22:15:00.001-06:00

As per request...

2008-06-14T16:59:00.000-06:00

The Legend of Log and Mr. Toilet Paper

So one night when I was in high school, Log was going to bed, and Jord (The Boy) and I were hanging out downstairs. After a while, a voice called out from Log's room, indicating that sleep had not been achieved. Ever the doting older brother, I cracked the door open to check on the kid. He claimed that getting to sleep would be difficult, nay, impossible, unless Ducky was retrieved from upstairs (Ducky, as his name indicates, is the duck component of Log's stuffed animal menagerie). Well, I had no desire to make the trek, and I knew The Boy would be even less eager. My mind raced to find a worthy substitute. Aha! "Log," I said, "a new pal will be joining you tonight." I left him briefly and soon returned from the bathroom, bearing Ducky's sit-in.

"This is Mr. Toilet Paper," I said, handing him the fresh roll I had just pulled from under the bathroom sink. "He's very soft and cuddly, and will be the perfect bunkmate." Log snuggled right up to Mr. Toilet Paper and was soon sleeping angelically. The Boy and I had a good chuckle in the other room, and we both thought that was the end of it. The next day when I got home from work, my mom was waiting for me. "Jae, can you think of any reason why there would be a roll of toilet paper in Logan's bed this morning?" I'm sure her imagination had just gone wild thinking of possible explanations, most of them quite unpleasant, for the roll's presence in Log's bed. I quickly related the tale to my concerned and confused mother, who was relieved and (luckily) amused by the incident.

Log has since learned to be more wary of his older brothers, and I have learned that I probably won't need to buy expensive stuffed animals for my children.

The End

Carlitos II: My Missionaries in a Foreign Field

2008-06-11T22:35:00.000-06:00

"Feeling the pinch at the pump."

There's a man at my work named "Farrell Badger."

Last night I was asked to be on Tooth Fairy duty for Log, who claims he still believes (he knows better than to stop the gravy train). I went into his room when he was asleep and saw that in addition to the two molars in a Ziploc under his pillow, he had a shark's tooth from Tonga in a bag on his nightstand. Of course I couldn't resist, and exchanged his teeth for a screw and a paper clip, and put money in the bag in the place of the shark's tooth. When morning came, Log was insulted that the Tooth Fairy had placed such a low value on his teeth. He was also offended that his prized souvenir had been swiped.

This would have been especially funny to The Boy, who is well acquainted with the Legend of Log and Mr. Toilet Paper.

Carlitos

2008-06-04T22:46:00.000-06:00

As many of you may well be aware, my brother, The Boy, entered the Empty-Sea a week ago, to get trained and stuff for his mission to Phoenix (he's LDS). There are many upsides to this development, including salvation for the Mexican People, but there are some drawbacks for those of us on the home front. One of these for me has been the loss (temporary) of one of the few people on earth who finds humor in the same things I do. I can no longer just shoot him off a text in the middle of the day saying something that I know only he and I will find funny. So for the last week, these funny thoughts have been building up inside me with no outlet. And then I remembered: my blog! So, dear readers, with no further explanation, here's what's been cracking me up since last Wednesday.

Tommy. Tom Cat. You can never have too many cats named Tom.
-Artie Fufkin

Do you like ice cream treats?
-Unknown

Picture in the Deseret Morning News of a SL Real player giving an opponent a wedgie mid-game.
http://www.deseretnews.com/article/1,5143,700230878,00.html
(Okay, the rest of the world may find this funny also.)

Big right paw to big left paw.
-Big Dave

Oh, it's good to work in the soil. I love just working in the soil.
-Hal T.

And many more that I've surpressed/forgotten. I sigh as I stare into the steady rain and confront the reality of two humorless years ahead of me.

Today's recommendations:
Viva La Vida, Coldplay
Believe, The Bravery
A-Punk, Vampire Weekend

Cinco de Mayo

2008-05-06T18:43:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I started work at an international explosives company. I learned that I am not allowed to use their name in writing, so don't think I am trying to be mysterious by not mentioning specifics! It really is quite an impressive organization, so I've been puzzled as to why they hired me. That became apparent early on yesterday. The company has a huge emphasis on safety. I also have a huge emphasis on safety. How many times have I personally admonished you to be safe? Most of you sneer and discard my counsel, but I remain undeterred. At work, we spend most of the first day learning about safety strategies, reviewing an extremely comprehensive drug and alcohol policy (I left not entirely sure I am in compliance, that's how comprehensive), thinking about safety, identifying possible safety hazards (in an office environment, mind you), and just being safe. I didn't see any helmets worn, but it wouldn't surprise me.

My job there is to do the taxes.

My fantasy team is still going strong (2nd place currently). I HIGHLY recommend the song "Eyes" by Rogue Wave. The boy is leaving soon for the mission, and Knab dog turns twenty something today.

The Reef

2008-04-15T12:47:00.000-06:00

The boy and I have been in an Outdoor Recreation class. What this means is that BYU gives us two credit hours to do the things we'd be skipping class to do anyway. Very considerate of them, don't you think? A couple of weekends ago, the class went on a field trip of sorts to Capitol Reef National Park. The purpose of the trip, as I understood it, was to walk around in the desert, take pictures of us being Extreme, and practice Safety. The scenery, it turns out, was actually breathtaking. Cassiday Arch, pictured to the right, is now my favorite arch. The on-trail dialogue, for which the boy and I have become legendary, was superb. Unfortunately, there were no wild animal attacks or serious injuries, but other than that it was a great trip. I feel so lucky to be living in Utah, so close to awesome stuff like Capitol Reef. I feel for all those kids who live in boring places like Missouri or Kansas with no scenery anywhere.

Luck/Skill?

2008-04-02T21:41:00.000-06:00

This year marks my first foray into the world of fantasy baseball. Some friends invited me to join their league, and I eagerly accepted, knowing that as the only Yankee fan in a league of Red Sox faithful, this would be an excellent opportunity to do some missionary work. I grossly underestimated the intensity of fantasy baseball. These guys put some serious time into researching players, analyzing, hypothesizing, conjecturing, etc. I'm more of a gut feel type of fantasy player (read: minimal effort/research). However, my team has been performing quite well thus far (first place in the league after two days). While startled by this success, I am not completely baffled. There is a precedent here. For the last two seasons, my sister Laura has dominated our family March Madness bracket competition. Her knowledge of the teams and of basketball in general is limited, yet she's remarkably accurate. Last year she was ranked number 1 on ESPN.com after the first day of play, and she finished far higher than any of us ever has. I wish I could offer some explanation as to the causes of these sports phenomenon, but I've got nothing. My apologies to Jessica Hagy for blatantly mimicking her graph approach. Meanwhile, keep cheering on Los Mulos, the most successful and least managed team in the league!

Self-Esteem on a Stick

2008-03-20T12:36:00.000-06:00

I recently purchased a new stick of deodorant. Normally I'm pretty conservative when it comes to deodorant (none of this Axe business), but as I scanned the various scents on Monday, I encountered an opportunity way too good to pass up. This flavor of Old Spice's RED ZONE line is called "Swagger". A careful reading of the banner near the top of the stick indicates that Swagger is indeed The Official Scent of Confidence. And to think I'd been living a timid, bashful, and hesitant life when the cure was right there on the Wal-Mart shelves. And for those skeptics among you, let me just say this. Since I've started using Swagger, my confidence has doubled, nay, tripled. Not since Orange-Orange VitaminWater has my life been so profoundly impacted by a consumer product. I encourage any of you who may be shy, nervous, or fearful to pick up a stick and try it for yourself!

Media

2008-02-26T17:57:00.000-07:00

I've always been intrigued by the way entertainers consistently deny responsibility for the messages they propagate. Charles Barkley is famously quoted (albeit out of context) for asserting that athletes aren't role models. The latest edition in this saga of moral abdication is found in this week's TIME (March 3 Issue, p. 8). In a Q&A session, rapper-actor-entrepreneur Sean Combs, aka P. Diddy, Puffy, etc., was asked the following question:

Do you feel the culture of vanity in rap and hip-hop has given young people a skewed reality of what is important in life?

His interesting response:

"A lot of things affect people's views if they let their views be affected. A weak-minded person who was going to do something negative or be vain was going to do that whether it was the music or somebody else that affected him."

Essentially, our friend Puffy is saying that yes, the culture of vanity (and worse!) in rap and hip-hop does have the potential to alter a young person's perception of what is important in life, but the responsibility rests entirely on that inexperienced young person to discern what is real and what is important. We will spend our careers making the hip-hop lifestyle appear enticing, normal, fulfilling, and realistic, but that's no reason for the youth to think that it really is. We can't be held responsible for their thinking that it is.

I believe this is why it's so important for each of us to take full responsibility for the voices we allow to influence our lives. If we allow ourselves to be deceived, we can't expect to be able to shift the blame to anyone else. No one out in the world is taking pains to ensure we're not led astray, so we can't be expecting them to.

Balance

2008-02-22T21:42:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday, I tried cross-country skiing, and this was the result.

The Cali

2008-02-21T09:11:00.000-07:00

This weekend, the team decided to take a road trip to Baker, California. Arrangements were made, food was gathered, playlists were assembled, and applicants were screened. We left Friday afternoon and reached the Baker area later that night. As we approached the greater Baker metro area, we suddenly remembered that Baker is the least desirable place on the planet. Change of plans. The committee decided to change course and head to Ontario, Cali to spend some quality time with the Pratts. The Wildcat and the Wilde brothers rolled in at about 1:30 am. After a good night's sleep and a sumptuous breakfast, Saturday morning was spent enjoying traffic (Lisa claims to actually enjoy being stuck in L.A. traffic) and hobnobbing at the J. Paul Getty Center. I was most impressed with a work by James Ensor called Christ's Entry into Brussels in 1889. I loved the way he captured mankind's tendency to focus on the trappings of monumental events rather than the true impact they have. The Getty itself is a great work of art, accentuating the natural hilltop features nicely and implying a Mediterranean ambiance. It would be cool to hang out there even if there were no art on display. If you go there, be sure to check out the rebar trees. I liked them.

Lunch was In-N-Out in Hollywood. The highlight for me was meeting local skate legend Vrazil (both he and the tat on his chest said that was his name) and checking out a few of his moves. Dude's got it. Then we went to the beach next to Santa Monica pier, and just soaked it all in. I've never lived next to a beach, but I'd be down there every day if I lived there. Jesse showed us the beginnings of a promising modeling career, and Shannon from Texas played her first game of football in 20+ years. Brady introduced us to The Claw, and Jen and I had a dramatic cousin moment. Then it was to Roscoe's House of Chicken and Waffles for dinner. In earlier posts, I have documented my efforts at cultural diversity. Roscoe's tops them all. I don't think I've ever been as much of an ethnic minority as I was at Roscoe's, not even when I was on my mission to Uruguay. Surprisingly, the waffles - fried chicken combo is delicious. I'm pretty sure it was all organic, so don't worry about it. Saturday night ended with some more hanging with the Pratts. Bob keeps a straight face during all his jokes, and Mary never stops smiling. They are such beautiful people! (The Heecups)

Sunday was church, a gorgeous nap outside by the pool, and singing around the piano. Later we went to the impressive L.A. temple. The temple's unabashed prominence imposes a degree of spiritual tranquility on an otherwise secular and misguided locale. I love the temple for what it represents. Sunday in Cali was for me what it always should be: a day of complete physical and spiritual renewal.

Monday began with a delicious breakfast and some difficult goodbyes. The Pratts pumped us full of love the whole time we were there, and it was difficult to leave them. We left feeling fulfilled and rejuvenated. The trip from Ontario to Las Vegas was uneventful with one notable exception. Jolyn demonstrated her talent and versatility by successfully catching and holding 30 red seedless grapes in her mouth. If this is difficult to visualize, I refer you to the YouTube clips on blowfish. Truly a remarkable performance on her part.

Our stop in Sin City was filled with extreme contrasts. The beauty and precision of the Bellagio fountain show contrasted with the moral ugliness of the Strip. Jenna's confidence and self-assurance as she performed on the street contrasted with the insecurity and inner confusion apparent on the faces of most of the people who passed us on the streets. We had to stop at the last In-N-Out before Utah, and I had a 4x4 for the first time (I totally endorse it). I realize looking back that I spent most of the drive down and the drive home singing along to the iPod without ever really knowing the words to the songs. I'd like to use this blog as the outlet for my sincere apology to everyone who rode in the car. We finally rolled back into freezing Provo Monday night at about 11:30, eager to be cold again and get back to that homework.

Diversity

2008-02-12T09:01:00.000-07:00

One of the biggest knocks on me recently has been my apparent lack of diversity. I'm a single white male from a field of study that few (besides me) find interesting. I don't make special efforts to follow the crowd and fit in, but when I look at everyone around me, I can't help but think that what truly makes me unique is my sameness - how much I am just like the next guy. In school, when they have you take the standardized tests, there's always a section where they ask you your ethnicity. I feel so boring and uncreative having to check "White/Caucasian" all the time. First of all, I don't think any of my ancestors came from Caucasia, or wherever. My ancestors are from like, Idaho. Second of all, I don't think "White/Caucasian" is an acceptable term in today's politically correct environment. If anything, I'd like to be known as a Caucasian-American. Thirdly, I don't think race should even be an issue in this election. I'm not a race candidate.

Improved diversity was one of the major reasons why Tyler and I embarked on The Great American Road Trip this summer. We really made some efforts to be cultural as we made our way through Wyoming, South Dakota, The South, etc.

If Waffle House grits don't make a man ethnic, I don't know what can. And this, nation, is where I need your help. Can you think of ways for me to be more diverse?

Parenting?

2008-02-09T18:23:00.000-07:00

Recently I've been thinking about the way parents often live out their insecurities through their children. You see it a lot with parents who micromanage their children's lives in order to help them "succeed". Sometimes the kids like it, and I guess that works for them. It seems, though, that many of these parents have some deep-seated insecurities that impel them to push their kids' success so they (the parents) can feel validated. I'm concerned when parents act more like their children's promoters than their parents. I hope that when I'm a parent, I'll be secure enough that I won't need to pin my own self-esteem on my kids' level of achievement. I'll help them succeed, obviously, and I'll teach them excellence, but I won't need their successes to build me up. When they succeed, it'll be their success, based on their efforts.

Revival

2008-02-07T23:45:00.000-07:00

It's tempting to try and offer some reason or explanation for why the blog hasn't been updated since June, but I'm just not going to. The purpose of Headlong Into the Blue (formerly known as Jae and Tyler's Excellent American Adventure, or something like that) is to provide some documentation to posterity that we actually existed, and so our kids will know that we didn't just get weird when we got old. We've always been like this.

We recently made a trip to the Four Corners, the point where Utah, Arizona, New Mexico and Colorado all meet. I've been trying to think, and I'm not aware of a more useless and unimportant destination in all the United States. Obviously it was imperative for us to visit it. Just about any road trip to Four Corners would have been a spectacular success, but this one was even more so since we convinced The Boy to come along. As we set out, our objectives were simple: We wanted to end up at Four Corners, we wanted to do cool stuff on the way down, and we didn't want to be restricted by a structured plan. Every objective was met triumphantly, and we ended up seeing not only the famed Four Corners, but also world-famous Dead Horse Point and the Utah classic, Delicate Arch. A delicious pizza rendezvous in Blanding sealed the victory (not just the best pizza in Blanding, the only pizza!). Also, Kaylene got to meet a real life drawing of a kit fox.

The real value of the trip was seeing several hours' worth of territory that should be uninhabited but for some reason isn't. It is kind of surprising to see people living in some of these places, but they do for some reason. Small-town folk have always fascinated me for that reason.

Weekend of July 16-17

2007-06-18T22:19:00.001-06:00

The theme of this weekend was Trying to Fit Everything In. Abby Monson was in town for her brother's wedding, so we hung out Saturday night before she enters the MTC on Wednesday. She's headed to the Balkan States Mission, for those of you who don't read the tabloids. This is a psychedelic picture she took of the DC temple coming down from Maryland. Since we got lost taking her sister Rachel to a friend's house in Maryland after the wedding dinner, we got to spend several hours in the car with Tammy. At some points, things got a little desperate. The picture on the right is of me coming in second place in our Who Can Sing the Highest Contest. I was only about one and a half steps lower than her, and I'm a bass. After all was said and done, and we'd finally found her hotel and said our goodbyes, it was five a.m. when I rolled back into Manassas.

The best part was, I was teaching Sunday School and directing the choir at Church that day! Luckily, the Lord magnifies us, and everything went well. I doubt any of our Union Mill Ward Choir members check the blog, but if any of you are reading, you are stallions. Things are sounding so good, despite the ineptitude of the director. We'll be singing I Know That My Redeemer Lives on Sunday, and I'm so excited for it. Overall, it was a memorable weekend.